Who I am.

I'm a picture without a frame.
A poem without a rhyme.
A car with three wheels.
A sun without fire.
I am a gun without bullets.
I am the truth without someone to hear it.
I am a feeling without someone to feel it.
This is who I am.
A mess without you.
Something beautiful with you.

-

It's interesting how sometimes when I read IWTFY posts, I don't understand at all, but when I read it at a different time, in a different mood, I find that it can reflect exactly how I feel. Beautiful.

This wake up call came too late.

Only now do I realise the magnitude of all the stupid mistakes that I made over the entire sem.

I feel like shit. And I deserve it.

Sigh.

Reading emo things in the morning sucks. And now i've lost my appetite in the middle of breakfast again.

I thought I had some stuff to say. Turns out I don't.

...I wish I could just run off to somewhere far away.

-

You know reality sucks when you refuse to wake up to face it.

Screwed.

Damn annoying. Had too many things on my mind that I had to force myself to sleep last night. Unfortunately my exam wasn't among 'things'.

Had like a dozen alarms and I snoozed all of them. It wasn't that I was sleepy. It's just that the moment I wake up,

1. I realise how screwed I am for my paper, and
2. Random things start flooding my mind again.

So I forced myself to go back to sleep again -.- Until Samantha called, at least. Thanks babe.

Okay. Off to school. Thanks Hannah for your message, I really appreciate how you bother to remember :)

Leo.

From Wei Long's blog. His birthday's one day before mine :P

"You are in serious need of a break. Your fun-loving, impulsive side has been dominant for a while. Now you need to relax and take care of the basics."

Yeah i've been pretty impulsive 'for a while'. Nothing wrong with that. Life has been crazy. Relax? Yeah that's a great idea.

Today's paper screwed liao la. & tomorrow's. And Thursday's. And next week's. GG.

From Fangqi's MSN nick.

"Tired of being in the unknown.... yet afraid of knowing the truth."

:3

The past 3 days were happy.

Very, very happy :)

Trademark - Only Love

2 a.m. and the rain is falling
Here we are at the crossroads once again
You're telling me you're so confused
You can't make up your mind
Is this meant to be
You're asking me

But only love can say - try again or walk away
But I believe for you and me
The sun will shine one day
So I'll just play my part
And pray you'll have a change of heart
But I can't make you see it through
That's something only love can do

In your arms as the dawn is breaking
Face to face and a thousand miles apart
I've tried my best to make you see
There's hope beyond the pain
If we give enough, if we learn to trust

I know if I could find the words
To touch you deep inside
You'd give our dream just one more chance
Don't let this be our last good-bye

Unproductive.

There goes my circadian clock.

Jiayou :)

Trust.

Is when I can fall asleep for an hour in Coffee Bean at the airport, with my laptop on my lap and all my belongings on the table, and not have to worry about anything.

And can even dream about going overseas together with my friends.

I miss Taiwan.

Middle of the night and i'm emo-ing at the airport. Sounds familiar. At least this time i'm not alone.

-

Everything has a lifespan. And when it meets mine, it simply boils down to this: who lives longer?

Random ramblings. Not awake. Not thinking straight.

Zombiezzz.

K now i'm trying to figure out how mutations work. Our farm's 7x6 so i've split it into a few parts, all in checkerboard form. And I just bought the coffee mutation. Coffee takes 8 hours.

First two rows are headless zombies. Wonder if we'll actually be able to get coffee-head mutations out of those =/ But anyway. Assuming they do. That would prove one assumption: Must be planted at the same time but zombies can be harvested before crops are ripe.

Last two rows are zombumpkins. If those work, the assumption proven there would be: Must be planted at the same time but zombies can be harvested after crops are ripe. After this batch of coffee is ripe, i'll change about half of them to other crops with mutations, to see if they'll affect.

Middle two rows are just other crops in checkerboard, to see if they'll affect the effect coffee has on the mutations.

And I have one plot that I accidentally put crops instead of a zombie but I think I found a use for it now. Will plant a zombie later to see if it the timing of planting has to be the same. Though that's only one and I probably won't be able to confirm.
Let'srunawaytoliveonafarm
So... yeah!
Andplantzombiesfortherestofourlives:D
Okay I should study.

-

Okay so. We didn't get any mutated zombies from the first two rows. Either:

1) Headless zombies can't mutate into coffee-head zombies,
2) The coffee and the zombies must be ready for harvest at the same time, or
3) I'm just suay.

Oh and fertilized zombies don't do a thing. We don't even get additional gold.

Did one more invasion in order to make space for the new zombies, and since the current ones were 'very hungry'. I lost 8 zombies. Old McDonnell himself took out about 2 of them, possibly almost 3.

Okay. Won't be doing too much farming tonight. Going to mug with the bros overnight at the airport! :) Hope I can last the whole night. I'm already pretty tired from the rehearsal. Will definitely ache like mad tomorrow but shiok ah.

BRAIN-ZUH.

The burning.

My arms will be ready.

Freedom.

I say I like structure and habit, but when it comes to times like this I discover how much I love being able to do what I want, when I want. That's not to say I don't do what I need to do. It's just, I think i'm more productive when i'm not being forced to do stuff.

Or maybe it's just a nice change from having to go to school. At the end of the holidays i'll be begging for structure and habit again.

Or maybe, I had an awesome time over the past two days and the happy carried over :) Hope it stays this way!

Today i'm gonna have lunch with poly friends. And then study HP802 :)

But why, Universe?

Why must I go through all that first? Why can't you just tell me now?

-

The damned weather makes me emo.

It sorta went like this.

"Ahh omg. Wait wait I can't find it."

"Hurry up! I can't stay in this position that long."

"Okay. Just... don't move. I got it." -breathe- "This is damn hard."

"AHH IT'S FUCKING HUGE. TAKE IT OUT. TAKE IT OUT."

"I'm gonna spray everywhere!"

And after about half an hour, the miserable dog has had a gazillion [i'm exaggerating... just a little] ticks removed from him, my brother and I have battle scars i.e. scratches all over, and the house smells of de-ticking solution.

Ohh dear.

This is the reason why I shouldn't stay up to do reports.

While describing my target segment: "Quality does not matter; after all, her goal in life is to never repeat a set of clothes."

In my recommendations [would be perfectly fine if this was a presentation... but this is a formal report]: "However, how likely is it that a customer would want to purchase the same pair of shorts in 10 different colours?"

In my impact & implications: "These people can help raise Cotton On’s profile, either by word of mouth or being walking billboards."

And i'm concluding with: "Ultimately, Cotton On will be viewed as THE retail store for the widest variety of fashionable apparel at affordable prices, with ever-changing products that satisfy even the obsessive shopper."

I'm too tired to think of ways to change the above sentences to make them sounds less stupid.

Harry Potter Pick-up Lines.

Very obviously, i'm not exactly concentrating on that 20-page Marketing report I have to do that's due in 9 hours.

Saw it off this Facebook group.

- If I were to look into the Mirror of Erised, I'd see the two of us together.

- If you were a dementor, I'd become a criminal just to get your kiss.

- My name may not be Luna, but I sure know how to Lovegood!

- Is that a wand in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?

- I'd like to get my basilisk into your chamber of secrets.

My favourite Disney song.

I can show you the world
Shining, shimmering, splendid
Tell me, princess, now when did
You last let your heart decide?

I can open your eyes
Take you wonder by wonder
Over, sideways and under
On a magic carpet ride

A whole new world
A new fantastic point of view
No one to tell us no
Or where to go
Or say we're only dreaming

A whole new world
A dazzling place I never knew
But when I'm way up here
It's crystal clear
that now I'm in a whole new world with you

Now I'm in a whole new world with you

Unbelievable sights
Indescribable feeling
Soaring, tumbling, freewheeling
Through an endless diamond sky

A whole new world
Don't you dare close your eyes
A hundred thousand things to see
Hold your breath - it gets better
I'm like a shooting star
I've come so far
I can't go back to where I used to be
A whole new world
Every turn a surprise
With new horizons to pursue
Every moment gets better
I'll chase them anywhere
There's time to spare
Let me share this whole new world with you

A whole new world
A whole new world
That's where we'll be
That's where we'll be
A thrilling chase
A wondrous place
For you and me

Happy :)

It's not exactly the end of school yet but there's only one lesson I gotta go for next week so... yeah! :D
Iknowit'snotsomethingIcanchange
Time to start mugging. Like seriously.
Buti'mstillgoingtotry
After i'm done with the 10%, 20-page marketing report due on Monday.
Becausethat'showmuchIloveyou.
Which I haven't started -.-

Bored in 202.

Just a few of those that I agree with/find funny.

You know you're an auditor when...

- Your favourite words in the whole wide world are “no further work proposed”.

- You don’t need to pay for a gym membership as you get a full work-out every day from lifting your case of files.

- Hot-desking means that you get to your own office an hour before you start work so that you don’t end up sitting on the floor.

- You have on occasion cried because a balance sheet didn’t balance.

- At some point in your life you have either been criticised or criticised someone else for stapling a page in the wrong corner, failing to underline a title, or hole-punching inconsistently.

- Your response to every question is, “How did we do it last year?”

- When people at parties ask what you do for a living, you prefer to tell them you work in the financial services sector.

- You don’t think it seems futile to work your arse off for a week in order that a partner can issue a report, the outcome of which was already set in stone before you started.

- Nothing in your life is ever reasonable, it only *appears* so.

- You know the collection of paper in your locker and the collection of files on your hard drive are breaking an ISA, but you’ve still not come to terms with the fact that you need to destroy them.

- You thank your clients profusely for providing you with pieces of paper which they’re paying you to ask them to provide.

- You are accomplished at counting small, pointless pieces of metal or plastic without questioning what they are.

- You worry about getting a Vitamin D deficiency because you sometimes don’t see daylight for weeks on end as your client has allocated you a desk in the windowless stationery cupboard.

The Shawshank Redemption

Watched this yesterday. It's a super long show - worth a watch if you're patient enough. I was shown an extract of it once before; probably when I took Sociology in poly. It was about being institutionalized.

"Dear fellas, I can't believe how fast things move on the outside. I saw an automobile once when I was a kid, but now they're everywhere. The world went and got itself in a big damn hurry.

The parole board got me into this halfway house called "The Brewer" and a job bagging groceries at the Foodway. It's hard work and I try to keep up, but my hands hurt most of the time. I don't think the store manager likes me very much.

Sometimes after work, I go to the park and feed the birds. I keep thinking Jake might just show up and say hello, but he never does. I hope wherever he is, he's doin' okay and makin' new friends.

I have trouble sleepin' at night. I have bad dreams like I'm falling. I wake up scared. Sometimes it takes me a while to remember where I am. Maybe I should get me a gun and rob the Foodway so they'd send me home. I could shoot the manager while I was at it, sort of like a bonus.

I guess I'm too old for that sort of nonsense any more. I don't like it here. I'm tired of being afraid all the time. I've decided not to stay. I doubt they'll kick up any fuss. Not for an old crook like me." - Brooks

Spending a long time in anything builds these walls around you. You feel safe in them. Once you're out, that's when all the feelings of insecurity and fear start pouring in. Safety/security is a primary need in Maslow's heirarchy. You can hardly do anything else without it.
I wish I had someone to protect me.
We're moving into the fourth month of the year and i'm still, on occasion, an insecure, emotional mess. I'm okay most of the time. I just wish these emo episodes would stop occurring.
& I wish there was someone I could call mine.
"Let me tell you something my friend. Hope is a dangerous thing. Hope can drive a man insane." - Red
I don't know why it hurts.
It depends, doesn't it? If you're hoping for something that's possible to achieve yourself, then hope can be a huge motivation.
But it does.
But if you're hoping for something that isn't up to you. Yes. It can drive you insane.

Tioman dives :)

1 April
Took a van to Mersing; reached at about 11pm. We went out for supper with the 3 instructors - Jack, Alex and John, while the other families went to rest for the night.

2 April
Woke up early to take a 1-hour catamaran to Tioman - Salang beach. When we reached, we were given a while to go put down our stuff in our rooms before returning to the dive shop. Then we went for our first real dive!

Wreck dive :) Nothing much; just the usual fish. Saw a big puffer though. Ascended too fast because buddy's mask flooded and didn't do a safety stop. Ah well. We're both still alive so that's fine.

After lunch on land, we went back on the boat for the rest of the day. Did two more dives, saw some cool stuff like blue spotted rays and some shrimps. Jack got attacked by a big triggerfish =/ It's their mating season and they're damn territorial.

It was drizzling when we got back up on the boat after the third dive. And there were two rainbows :) Plus it was close to sunset. Super pretty. We headed back to the house reef at Salang and waited for the sun to set before we began our night dive.

Freaky as hell. Did the lights out drill. We saw two lionfish. Pretty cool if it wasn't for the fact that I only spotted the second lionfish because I was an inch away from being stabbed by the sea urchin next to it. When we surfaced from the dive, all of us were amazed by the number of stars in the sky. The whole sky was seriously covered in stars. It's really beautiful.

So anyway. Dinner involved a blackout halfway. Electricity came back on after a while. Went back to the room so we could bathe [it was the kampung-style kind of toilet. You have a tub which you fill with water, then scoop it up to use for bathing]. With my luck, of course there had to be another blackout while I was bathing -.-

Electricity didn't come back on until several hours later? I'm only guessing because I already fell asleep.

3 April
Woke up feeling achy, which was a surprise. Even my jaw ached, from chewing too hard on the regulator.

Another 4 dives. I FINALLY saw a sea turtle :D At Malang rock. Too bad it was swimming away already when I saw it. Other sightings included giant barracuda, a scorpionfish, banded sea snake, eels, a big bumphead parrotfish, more blue spotted rays and the usual fish. Quite a number of nudibranches. And a ton of sea stars and sea cucumbers.

I went for the night dive alone with Jack because the rest of my family didn't want to -.- There was another group doing their advanced night dive [which was the one we did the previous night] so we went together. There was quite a strong current so it became a night drift dive which was scary and cool at the same time. Visibility was pretty poor. Apparently Jack kept pointing out a lot of stuff but I didn't see half of them =/ Had to abort that dive because my ear started hurting.

8 dives in two days :D Spent more time at sea than on land, until I got reverse seasick -.-

4 April
Mom forgot to wake me up for the final two dives. Otherwise I would've done all 10 dives over the 3 days :( Ah well.

Jack and Alex asked me to take the divemaster course. Maybe I will :)