Live. Love. Believe.

I have shifted.

2011-08-23T15:35:00.002+08:00

Goodbye Blogger.

2011-07-09T23:54:00.000+08:00

You've been a great friend to me the past three years. I'll keep you around and hopefully one day, several years from now, i'll discover you again and be reminded of who I was.

Thanks.

Yeah. That's how I felt.

2011-06-30T16:13:00.001+08:00

So I wasn't making that much of a fuss last time,

Was I? :)

You're welcome.

Reminiscence.

2011-06-25T21:27:00.003+08:00

For the past few days, J and I have been trying to find our old identities. This was triggered by the discovery of my old fanfic from back in 2003. I've been trying to find other things such as my old blogs, but no success. I can't remember what aliases I used back then.

Logged into my old Friendster account though. Read some of the testimonials I had. This was back in 2004. Back when I was "Slashy".

(=)

Why i'm doing what i'm doing.

2011-06-20T10:30:00.000+08:00

So i've been surfing job websites almost everyday, carefully sifting out those that look interesting to me [therefore, not accounting] and sending my resume out. A lot of them call back and ask me, "So you just graduated with a degree? Why aren't you looking for a permanent job?"

And also, "Why a job of this nature, that has nothing to do with accountancy?"

My answers, which I keep short for the sake of the phone calls/interviews, are usually along the lines of, "I want to try out something different for a while." I've elaborated this to one interviewer before. I don't want to spend my entire life stuck to a deskbound job in an office and watch my ass grow bigger each day. It used to be important to me that I collected a ton of experience in a field in which I was good at, that I needed to have a stable and secure future, but is that what I really want at the end of the day?

I look at my resume and cringe at the ton of audit/accounting-related jobs on them. That's essentially all of them in the past 6 or so years of my life. If i'm just going to add on to them now, what else would I be able to do in the future if I want to be something else?

Of course, people have also been telling me to go and work, like in a bank or something that pays well, save up, then go on and have fun next time. What, when i'm 35 and lugging two kids around? Or when i'm 50 and limping?

It's not society's concept of a proper route in life, and probably for a good reason, in a society that focuses so much on earning money and starting a family and having a stable life. It's stressful trying to do something different, looking around and seeing people going on grad trips knowing that they've already secured a job so they'll be earning back what they spent in Europe/Australia/USA/Taiwan/etc. I'm stuck in Singapore searching for jobs that I would enjoy. As time goes on and desperation kicks in, my lack of income may possibly result in me being an accounts assistant in a small firm anyway.

Is it worth it? I really hope it is.

I would say today was a productive day.

2011-06-19T21:23:00.000+08:00

Woke up in the morning hugging a Boo. Slept for like 10 hours; it was great.

Went to his grandparents' for lunch as usual. Grandma told me Grandpa said he hadn't seen me in ages, even though it's really only been two weeks. I feel so loved ^^ After that we followed Mervyn to Orchard to watch him busk for a while before coming home for dinner. On the way home we dropped by Ion to see if we could get any makeup products for J. There were some awkward moments at Body Shop before we decided to go to Daiso instead.

Right now as i'm typing this I have a mask on. This is after nosestrips, which was after dinner while watching Improvaganza, which was after dyeing J's hair blue. Yes, directly from red. So now his hair is reddish from some angles, and blue from others. From far it's just black though. Think he has managed to have a different hair colour every episode of his show so far.

So yeah it's pretty productive. We're going over to his place after the mask for him to film and other stuff. I'll probably be continuing my job search. Money. I need it.

My face is stiffening up right now.

Reaching out.

2011-06-12T00:55:00.002+08:00

Ask and you shall be given.

I'm sick of asking. If you really wanted to spend more time with me, you would offer so yourself. Why does it have to be me that asks for it? It's as though you don't even care whether I'm going to be there or not; like my presence is negligible - good to have, but not exactly something you want or need.

You say you give me liberty and whatever I ask, you'll do. But you know how pathetic it is to always be the one asking, begging, pleading?

I'm sorry, but even though I may desperately desire it, I can't stand constantly feeling like shit being the one who's on my knees begging all the time.

-

Why can't everything just be okay?

I guess it will after I cry myself to sleep.

Again.

A simple getaway.

2011-05-25T00:28:00.000+08:00

I had fun Boo. Thank you for letting me bring you on this little adventure :)

Fuck.

2011-05-18T17:22:00.001+08:00

Today I have managed to screw up at least a bit in everything I did.

This is the second blog post i'm writing today. Both times, I have managed to accidentally push my mouse aside to mouseover the 'show desktop' button which makes my IE window disappear. While this causes no harm at all, and possibly only half a second of my time, it annoys me to no end considering that I have succeeded in doing this 2 out of 2 times when I never do this on a usual basis at all.

I decided to wash the dishes. Simple task, really. I did it so I could feel at least a little useful. Yet I can let soap water run down my arm while trying to put the dishes back up on the rack. Again, I don't usually do this.

Stitched a small felt plush donut this morning. It took me ages, the thread slipped out of the needle twice, knots appeared where they weren't supposed to, I realised how I should have done it in a much more efficient way only after I was halfway done, and the final result looks ugly.

Get kicked on L4D2.

I hate how my life recently just seems so full of fail. I wish I could just pick myself back up like I used to be able to do, but it's difficult when I screw up even the simplest of things.

Just ignore this. Srsly. Because if you're going to question me on this rant, you're only going to add on to my list of FMLs when I realise i'm so bad at talking I can't even explain things to you.

Why you don't play team games with better people.

2011-05-18T16:32:00.000+08:00

It's impossible to learn.

As usual I was playing L4D2 versus online. And of course, me being the n00b I am, wasn't doing a fantastic job.

Person X: Hey u ok? U ok?
Me: I'm just kinda new at this game.
Person X: U need to go hospital?
Me: To cure what, your sarcasm?

Game carried on. Did some okay things. Did some not okay things. It wasn't even like they were doling out instructions, just carried on like it was expected that everyone would know what everyone else was thinking. So I just went on doing the things that I thought were appropriate. Hospital-guy continued going on about the hospital thing, and at one point shot me till I died.

Eventually I got kicked. What a waste of time. The only thing I learnt from that is that even though you can be nice, apologize and everything, some people are just dickheads.

Should probably download MapleStory again.

相信?

2011-05-18T01:31:00.000+08:00

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA LORETTA YOU ARE SUCH A FOOL.

希望. 失望. 绝望.

I never learn.

2011-05-16T11:42:00.002+08:00

For some reason every time I think it's going to be something good, I always end up feeling like shit.

Always.

Down, down, down, down, down.

2011-05-15T13:19:00.001+08:00

I realised my self-esteem hit a new all-time low yesterday when I sat in a corner in Dbl O for Dance Meets: Funk Sessions Vol. 1 yesterday watching the dancers, and felt like crying. No, not because I was nostalgic. No, not because I was alone.

It was because I felt inferior to the small/cute or tall/skinny/hot girls there. Particularly when the emcee commented, "Omgosh, so cute!" at one of the girl lockers. I agree that she's cute. I'm not jealous. I'm envious, because i'll never be like them.

It never used to matter to me that I wasn't small or cute, that my boobs weren't big enough, that I didn't know how to put on makeup like those Taiwanese girls who turn into someone else when they do. It didn't seem to matter to the people around me. And at least I was good at the things that I did, and I knew it.

Not anymore. It's hard enough having to meet my preset expectations of being competent, while taking part in activities that i'm inferior in. It's worse when the people around me just help to prove that i'm not.

It's been a long time since i've heard, "You're good at..." Or, "That was awesome."

Instead of, "If only you..." or "That's fine, but..."

Or maybe i'm just PMS-ing.

-

My self-deprecating mind reminds me that someone's just gonna come along and call me a fool for feeling this way anyway.

-

I need to go and do something that i'm good in. Where people don't look down on me.

Sometimes, all you need.

2011-05-14T01:39:00.000+08:00

Today, I went for dinner with my poly friends. Only 3 of us turned up, but I guess it was good enough. Chatted a bit with Yuxiu after Yvonne left. I'll meet her for lunch again sometime soon, even though it's pretty far away. And will probably meet Von for Kbox soon too :)

Came home and decided to go on MSN to catch up with people I haven't talked to in a while. Chatted with Lydon, Tee Wee, Yen Leong, Wei Huang, Hannah and Ruby on MSN and Whatsapp. It's nice to chat with them again, and it also feels nice to be a listening ear rather than need one.

Also made plans with Quil/Brain, Elin/Crunchy and the Soul Funky OGs :D

This came as a much-needed reminder that I still have a life outside of what I was living. I guess i've just spent too long making myself readily available all the time. So often I find myself staying at home rotting, just in case I get mobilized. Was that worth it? I don't know. I'm just thankful my friends didn't decide to ditch me because of what I did.

Guys, you think having a recall period for NS is bad? Trying being a girl in love.

SHAOWEI!!!

2011-05-14T01:08:00.000+08:00

6:30 onwards. Mfucking cool hahaha.

I can feel my life coming back to me.

2011-05-12T10:31:00.000+08:00

J and I were talking the other day about how he always has activities lined up for himself whenever we don't meet, while i'm pretty much just rotting around. He says it's because usually when he spends time with me, there are some things that he wants to do but I don't want to, and he KIVs it for when he's got time for himself.

Plus I haven't exactly been feeling interested in anything very much recently. Everytime I want to do something, it just reminds me of how I also have work to do, which I should probably prioritize.

And then I end up sleeping, because sleep is above all.

But I just felt it. The whole ZOMGICAN'TWAIT feeling. While watching a video on how to do blanket stitches. AAAAAHHHHHHHH I wanna start making felt animals/things! If I get good enough, who knows, I could even spin that into a business and that would be even better than importing accessories from overseas.

Can't wait can't wait :)

Oh excitement, how I have missed you.

-

2011-05-11T09:09:00.002+08:00

When tomorrow comes, i'll disappear.

Looking forward :D

2011-05-09T12:07:00.000+08:00

Time to whip out Epic Win and stuff it with all the things I wanna do when i'm free! :D

As well as the things I have to do, which by then will be the things I wanna do ;) Like doing my business stuff, and finding a job.

Let's get this over with. 3 more days.

The last post-exam plan i'll ever make.

2011-05-02T02:28:00.000+08:00

Yeah :) So i'd better make this one really good.

- Kickboxing lessons! [bought vouchers off Groupon for a month's unlimited classes]
- Ubin with Boo [also from vouchers off Deal.com lol]
- L4D! But not too much because that would be wasting the time I could be spending on the other things on this list.
- Go around taking photos, with themes each time :)
- Do up my blogshop and get the business started.
- Flea market on 28 May!
- Find a part time job. Money much needed.
- Club!
- Catch up with all my friends :D

As usual, i'll add more later on.

Oh no :(

2011-04-30T20:09:00.002+08:00

So demoralized.

2011-04-30T14:13:00.002+08:00

Just wanna run away.

累了.

2011-04-30T01:02:00.001+08:00

I can't remember the last time I did something purely for myself. Without consideration for someone else. It's really like i'm living my life for someone else now. Such that if everything ends, I don't even have myself to fall back on.

Given too much, yet can't seem to stop.

-

Getting stressed very easily nowadays. Every little thing seems to add on to my frustration really quickly. What with exams coming, a project that i'm not very good at and my group is probably going to mark me down, relationship pressures [not problems, mind; more like having to spend time with the J-saur and helping out with his stuff/being engaged in some of his family matters] and other stressors here and there.

Tiring.

Hide and seek.

2011-04-28T11:28:00.000+08:00

You can tell how people view a relationship and how much they value it by looking at what they bother telling the world and what they don't.

There are the people who are constantly telling the world how happy they are in their relationship. Sometimes to the point that it annoys people. Silly little happy things. Big things that are worth celebration. Funny things. Mundane things. Everything. But when they're upset about it, only a selected few will know. Best friends. A secret Twitter or a secret blog. Or a good night's sleep to forget it all.

Then, there are the people who never make a sound about anything happy.

But when they're upset about the relationship, the whole world has to know.

Here's the proof.

2011-04-15T16:03:00.003+08:00

"But physiological tests now suggest that women have a greater tolerance for pain, and statistics reveal that women live longer and are more resistant to many diseases."

Will add more if I come across any.

-

Oh yes, and while i'm on the topic of males and females, here's something that I've been saying for a while already. John Gray may have written a good book, but he's still male after all.

Or maybe i'm just too feminist for it ;)

Feelings.

2011-04-13T20:44:00.005+08:00

Helpless, inferior, stressed, despair.

Yeah that pretty much sums it up.

-

Thursday
- AA301 presentation
- AA301 report corporate governance

Friday
- Do HS101 report
- Do up AB311 presentation slides

Saturday
- AB311 meeting 10am NTU

Sunday
- HS101 meeting 10am City Hall Starbucks

Monday
- Prepare AB311 presentation

Tuesday
- AB311 presentation

Wednesday
- HS101 presentation

Things in life.

2011-04-11T11:37:00.001+08:00

Some things can be picked back up after you've thrown them away. Some things can be fixed after you screw them up. Some things can be restored to near-perfect condition after you fix them.

And some things, can't.

Not everything allows a second chance.

Even fewer, allow a third.

Learned helplessness.

2011-04-09T13:21:00.001+08:00

"I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is be someone who can be loved. The rest is up to them."

Fuuuuuuck.

2011-04-06T19:31:00.001+08:00

The future.

2011-04-05T21:42:00.000+08:00

That same wave of dread that washed over me a few months ago just did again, after I realised how close I am to graduating. Throughout the entire semester, people have been asking me where i'm going after graduation. All of them are going to the Big 4. Me?

Yesterday I went back to TP with Yvonne to study. Dropping by to chat with the lecturers was just part of our routine. Naturally, they all had the same question for me - "Where are you going after graduation?"

And while telling my peers in school "I don't know" or "I haven't decided" is perfectly fine, I could see the disappointment in my old lecturers when I told them what I had been using as a defense each time people asked me what I wanted to do. No, apparently being young and wanting to try new things to find out what I like isn't really their favourite thing to hear.

I realise that there are actually so many things I want to do. Right now, i'm just feeling really pathetic, not knowing what i'm going to do the moment I walk out of my final exam venue one month later. Last semester, there was something I dreaded when I ended my exams. It seems like the same for this sem too.

I have that business that i've already [barely] started. The hard part still lies ahead of me. It makes me sad thinking about my peers all going for their well-deserved grad trips, while I have to save money for the business which i'm not even sure will breakeven, much less generate returns. Honestly, I don't have high hopes. But i'm going to try anyway. If I don't start now, I never will.

Another option I have is taking that interior design course at NAFA, which I heard about [and decided was a blessing] from a random acquaintance whom I haven't talked to in years. I just went to check it out. The application period is in May, for the intake in August. It's not a diploma like I thought it would be; only a certificate. And it's $1,300. I'm already in debt from my poly and uni tuition loans. It's giving me second thoughts as to whether I should even bother. Maybe I could just go work as an accountant in a small interior design firm?

If i'm really going to stay true to my heart, but only if I were able to disregard all else in my life, I would want to take my diving instructor licence [which is another few thousand dollars] then head overseas to work in some resort. But I can't. For so many reasons.

Or. I could dye my hair back to black, pretty much throw away whatever part of my life that isn't work, and go for an interview at one of the Big 4. Which I would have done if it were still a year and a half ago.

But i'm not going to give up just yet.

What are words.

2011-04-04T15:56:00.002+08:00

What are words if you really don't mean them when you say them?

FML.

2011-03-30T13:03:00.002+08:00

As above.

...FML?

2011-03-26T19:42:00.004+08:00

Today, I randomly decided to go on the FML site. I checked out the top FMLs and saw this:

Today, my boyfriend and I were cuddling on his couch when suddenly I tried to get up. Before I could stand, he grabs onto me and says, "I'm a koala and you're my eucalyptus tree!" He then continued to latch onto me for a good five minutes pretending to eat my hair. FML

I don't know what's wrong with that. My boyfriend does that. MLIAwesome.

-

Sucks having to sleep without you next to me. But I know you're having it worse, being in an unfamiliar place and all. Take care baby and rest well. I'm waiting for your return :) Love you.

Symptoms.

2011-03-25T20:55:00.004+08:00

It's as close as I get to feeling like the hellish 5 months of last year. But at least this time, I don't have to pretend I don't care. I don't have to tell myself i'm wrong for needing you or that I don't deserve to.

-

How do you know you love someone?

Time passes bloody slowly when you're not with them. Every 5 minutes you check the time thinking that at least 15 minutes has passed. You search for any indication of their being - Facebook, Twitter, your phone... even when it's right next to you and not a single alert came in, but you still look in case you might have missed something.

You walk around feeling empty, thinking about only two things - what you did with them before, and what you want to do with them when you see them again. And ever so often there's a funny feeling that visits your heart, when you listen to a special song or see a special thing that reminds you of them.

Your phone rings and the first thing you think of is them. It isn't, and you feel like crying as that ounce of hope flutters away. There are so many things you want to tell them, but they aren't there to listen to you, and all you can do is write stupid blog entries, tweets, and smses just to feel like they might happen to see it.

You have loads to do but don't feel like doing any of it. You know that constantly thinking of them isn't going to help things, but you just can't stop. You read all your past smses, your old blog entries about them, which just makes things worse.

The funny feeling comes and makes tears well up in your eyes. Your phone still hasn't rang. It's 10 minutes since the last time you checked. You count the amount of time before you get to see them again, and realised it's so much longer than you had thought. Fuck.

And you just keep hoping and hoping that you'll hear from them soon.

I fucking miss you Justin.

3 longest days.

2011-03-25T19:22:00.006+08:00

Been a while since I felt this way. Maybe about a year or so?

Like time started crawling the moment you left. I keep doing things to keep myself occupied but it doesn't make any difference. I went home, did some things, took a nap... Woke up, and right now, you're still on the plane.

I find myself wondering how you are. Have you had dinner? Are you resting? You were tired this morning. Are you nervous about what you'll see when you land? Will you know what to do?

And, as always. Are you thinking of me?

It's okay, you'll be back in 3 days'. Forever will pass soon enough.
Stray car :)
Last year was way worse anyway :)

-

I'll be wearing your clothes all weekend. Finding all sorts of ways to keep you as close to me as possible.

Freud's Id, Ego & Superego.

2011-03-25T08:59:00.004+08:00

The id comprises the unorganised part of the personality structure that contains the basic drives. The id acts according to the "pleasure principle", seeking to avoid pain or unpleasure aroused by increases in instinctual tension.

The Ego acts according to the reality principle; i.e. it seeks to please the id’s drive in realistic ways that will benefit in the long term rather than bringing grief.

Regression, according to psychoanalyst Sigmund Freud, is a defense mechanism leading to the temporary or long-term reversion of the ego to an earlier stage of development rather than handling unacceptable impulses in a more adult way.

:)

2011-03-20T17:16:00.002+08:00

Isn't it always amusing whenever someone around you talks trash about something you do/like/have/are without knowing it? And then you just sit there and smile, nodding your head in agreement, all the while thinking about how stupid they're portraying themselves to be.

:)

Learned helplessness.

2011-03-17T13:53:00.002+08:00

Is when something you don't like is happening/about to happen to you, and you just sit there, shut up and do nothing about it. Because you've learnt from past experiences that whether you do anything or not, it doesn't make any difference.

Ah, good memories.

2011-03-17T13:33:00.002+08:00

Was throwing out a piece of rope when I remembered this once in secondary school, some guys were playing with some rope and wanted to test something. I don't know if they were too cowardly to do it on their own or what. They asked to borrow my wrist, wrapped the rope around it,

and pulled the rope off.

If you look carefully you can still see the ropeburn scar there :)

Thanks Jun Hui ;)

F.

2011-03-15T15:50:00.003+08:00

If you can't differentiate a daughter and a worker, I'm not gonna bother differentiating a father and a stranger.

-

Turns out I really throw/slam anything I'm holding when I'm pissed. Most recent victim: Laptop.

And they went, "Poof!"

2011-03-14T09:31:00.003+08:00

Reading past blog entries, trying to recall what on earth I used to do in my free time.

And where they've all gone.

-

Much of my time in NTU was taken up by Soul Funky. Like i've said many times before, if it wasn't for Soul Funky, I wouldn't be in school. In the first semester when there's no JDC, I would be training for performances, or doing some teaching [that was when we didn't have an instructor]. Or doing admin. Yeah :) Chatting with Fabby a lot. And of course when JDC came about in the second semester, it basically took up whatever remaining time we had.

Other than that, I used to run. Especially when I was working. Went running at East Coast with Mom and Aunty Jo thrice a week. When I had school, it was less, because I couldn't make it in the evenings. Oh, I did 21km for my 21st birthday :) Proud of it.

I told stories at the library every other Saturday to young kids [pedobear hahaha]. Stopped last year in August after I dyed my hair pink, because I didn't want to be a bad influence to the children. And also because it prevented me from hanging out late on Friday, and made it difficult to plan my Saturdays. I also did other ad-hoc volunteering activities. Hmmm. Should probably start doing it again.

This. Lol. Yeah I spent quite a bit of time playing games. Whether it was out of Quil-influence or brother-influence. And the rest of the time was hanging out on forums talking rubbish and laughing at flame wars. And chatting on MSN. For some strange unknown reason, the internet suddenly lost its appeal.

Oh yeah I used to spend a lot of time on Youtube. Call me childish, but I used to catch Disney's Suite Life of Zac and Cody/Suite Life on Deck as well as Wizards of Waverly Place. And of course a ton of Whose Line, which I never got sick of watching. Sometimes a bit of Taiwanese dramas here and there.

I wrote! Yeah I almost forgot about that :) I used to write when I emo-ed, which resulted in a lot of shitty emo stories lol. So many ideas that I never got down to writing, and now i've forgotten them. Oh well :)

Walking down the beach at Changi :) Good thing I still get to do that once in a while with my bros.

I still dive, but it takes up a lot of money and time. On the rare occasions that I get to do it, it's awesome :D

Yeah I think that was mostly it. I lost most of them when my life and priorities got messed up a while back. Gotta go remember what being passionate about something feels like :)

Hahahahahahaha.

2011-03-13T01:18:00.001+08:00

Loretta Sze says
sometimes you just gotta laugh at the shit life throws at you
pretend everything is fine
china got earthquake
my father is in china and i haven't heard from him in months
hahahahahaha
i wanted to let out my emotions with my boyfriend but he's too tired to entertain me
hahahahahaa
fuck you, life
:)
Ong Kah Hui says
lol
life.

Past.

2011-03-12T17:04:00.002+08:00

Re-reading the diary in which I wrote about J and me.

That funny tingly feeling that I haven't felt in a long while came back.

I miss you baby.

:'(

2011-03-11T22:28:00.002+08:00

"1258 GMT: Millions of people in greater Tokyo are stranded far away from home as evening falls after Japan's biggest earthquake on record shut down the capital's massive subway system, my colleagues report from Tokyo.

Countless workers, who had earlier fled violently swaying office blocks, found themselves stuck far from their families -- and unable to speak to them because the overloaded mobile phone system could not carry most calls, they tell me."

Live report on the Japan quake.

Dug up an old Friendster bulletin from 5 years ago.

2011-03-11T20:49:00.003+08:00

1. My ex is...
2006: Wang Shao Wei. LOL.
2011: Apparently, now attached. Good for him! :)

2. I am listening to..
2006: Nothing.
2011: Nothing.

3. Maybe I should...
2006: Start studying. But i'll leave that for later.
2011: Start writing my essay. But i'll leave that for later.

4. I love...
2006: Chan Kwang Siong.
2011: Eggtarts. Do you love eggtarts? :)

5. My bestfriend(s)...
2006: Are insane. Are Quil, Pope and Brain. Are the girls.
2011: Are the same damn best friends I had 5 years ago. Hell, 10 years ago. Oh, with the inclusion of Jbooboo :)

6. I don't understand...
2006: How i can announce to everyone that i'm going to do something, then end up not doing it. But thankfully it doesn't really affect them.
2011: Half the things that are taught in class. But i'll leave that for later.

7. I lost...
2006: My ...
2011: ... mind?

8. People say...
2006: Moo.
2011: Moo.

10. Love is...
2006: A great pile of crap. Hey, at least i said it's great.
2011: One of the words inked on my back.

11. Somewhere, someone is...
2006: picking their nose.
2011: and flicking that booger at someone else.

12. I will always...
2006: Regret my actions.
2011: Remember.

13. Forever seems...
2006: Impossible.
2011: Like a long time away :/

14. I never want to...
2006: Lose the people i love.
2011: Lose the people i love.

15. My mobile phone...
2006: Is my precious and i can't live without it.
2011: Is an iPhone and I can't understand why I said the above in 2006.

16. When I wake up in the morning...
2006: I start to count how many hours its been since i slept. I'm not kidding. Then from there i decide if i should continue sleeping.
2011: I get out of bed, cover J with the blanket and go wash up.

17. I get annoyed when..
2006: People dash my hopes.
2011: People dash my hopes.

18. Parties are...
2006: Boring. I dislike them.
2011: Groups of people with whom you can do quests with.

19. My pets are...
2006: [Insert a picture of Kinty here]
2011: Kinty.

20. Kisses are the best when...
2006: They're on your forehead, or the back of your hand.
2011: They're the prelude to...

21. Today I...
2006: Woke up.
2011: Wasted time.

22. Tomorrow I will...
2006: Go to school in the morning and screw up my Biz Finance paper.
2011: Have fun.

23. I really want...
2006: to get straight As for my exam.
2011: some chocolate right now :D

Faces.

2011-03-10T17:23:00.002+08:00

Hello Slash, it's been a while.

Spotted while posting on one of my blogs.

2011-03-05T11:22:00.009+08:00

Ice cream. It cures depression.

Adjective.

2011-03-02T23:45:00.001+08:00

Gray. Nothing I do
Heavy. will ever
Numb. change
Dead. anything

From an email from Mom.

2011-02-28T10:16:00.000+08:00

A giant ship engine failed. The ship's owners tried one expert after another, but none of them could figure but how to fix the engine.

Then they brought in an old man who had been fixing ships since he was a young. He carried a large bag of tools with him, and when he arrived, he immediately went to work. He inspected the engine very carefully, top to bottom.

Two of the ship's owners were there, watching this man, hoping he would know what to do. After looking things over, the old man reached into his bag and pulled out a small hammer. He gently tapped something. Instantly, the engine lurched into life. He carefully put his hammer away. The engine was fixed!

A week later, the owners received a bill from the old man for ten thousand dollars.

"What?!" the owners exclaimed. "He hardly did anything!"

So they wrote the old man a note saying, "Please send us an itemized bill."

The man sent a bill that read:

Tapping with a hammer...... ......... ........ $ 2.00
Knowing where to tap.......... ......... ...... $ 9, 998.00

Effort is important, but knowing where to make an effort makes all the difference!

Existence.

2011-02-25T20:10:00.003+08:00

"If no one turned round when we entered, answered when we spoke, or minded what we did, but if every person 'cut us dead', and acted as if we were nonexisting things, a kind of rage and impotent despair would ere long well up in us, from which the cruellest bodily tortures would be a relief; for these [tortures] would make us feel that, however bad might be our plight, we had not sunk to such a depth as to be unworthy of attention at all." - William James, 1890 I am unworthy

Similarity: 99%.

2011-02-24T23:26:00.006+08:00

It's okay not to be okay.

2011-02-24T22:35:00.006+08:00

I remember reading something about 'true happiness' being when you have neither attachment to joy or aversion to sorrow. And accepting that neither joy nor sorrow is permanent. At the time, I found those words really meaningful and wanted to try and achieve that 'true happiness'.

Bullshit.

I didn't choose to end up like this. It was after constant reinforcing and conditioning that i'm now just numb to everything. Which is good considering now I don't feel disappointed so much and I cry a lot less than I used to.

At the same time, I've pretty much lost the ability to feel excited or happy about anything. Most of the things I 'enjoy' doing have just become mechanical.

It sucks to feel so dead. I want to feel that tingly warm feeling when I hear a familar song that means something to me. I want to laugh like a madwoman at jokes people tell. I want to cry out loud, feel that stabbing pain in my heart.

Better than not feeling anything at all.

-

So yes, I am disappointed right now. Sinking feeling in my heart, please come back.

-

It's a protective mechanism.

Get disappointed after having hopes. "I'm not going to have hopes anymore."
Get pissed off from waiting. "I'm not going to wait anymore."
Get upset from caring too much. "I'm not going to care anymore."

That's how people become numb.

Why women are always on the losing end.

2011-02-23T22:04:00.008+08:00

Just some random thoughts from the other day. If you're looking for something objective, you probably shouldn't be reading this.

We learn from the book 'Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus' that men dislike it when women try to 'fix' them [and also, to score points with men, women should forgive their mistakes]. We also learn that women are always trying to improve people.

So the tendency, of course, is for men to get annoyed when women care too much and try to offer their well-meaning advice. They feel like the women are just trying to stop them from doing what they want. If they do listen, then good for the women.

But when men ignore whatever their women say, and go ahead with whatever it is they wanted to do, there are simply two ways it could go. If everything goes well, then of course everything is fine. The man simply finds the woman an irritating nag who gets upset/picks arguments because she was overly worried about something that didn't happen anyway. HER fault.

However, if things do go wrong, the women are supposed to forgive the men for their mistakes. Even though we had warned them beforehand and they insisted on not listening. "I told you so?" Men get pissed off. Still HER fault. And at the same time, whatever consequence the man's actions brought about, the woman has to bear as well.

Of course you're thinking right now, why not just let the man bear his own consequences, then?

Does a man's consequences really affect himself as an individual? If a man falls sick because he doesn't bother taking care of himself, is there really no expectation for his partner to take care of him? And in a really extreme case, if a man kills someone and goes to jail, is he really the only one who suffers?

Is it fair that we bear the consequences for something we were trying so hard to prevent in the first place?

So it looks like all a woman can do to keep her man happy is to keep her mouth shut, be supportive in everything and bear her share of consequences at the end.

I don't know why.

2011-02-23T00:16:00.002+08:00

I just feel worn out.

Physically [probably because of the scratches from my dog, the blisters from my new shoes, splinter from my floor and random cuts here and there].

Mentally [schoolwork, what else?]

Emotionally... Not really. I've been through much worse.

So yeah, just tired from stuff I guess. Will have an early night. Had enough of reading without anything going in.

So today's kinda gonna look like this.

2011-02-19T12:03:00.003+08:00

- Put eyedrops for J

- Sound the horn

Get a little of my stuff done until 15 minutes later.

- Put eyedrops for J

- Sound the horn

Get a little of my stuff done until 15 minutes later.

- Put eyedrops for J

- Sound the horn

Repeat until 2 hours up.

- Put eyedrops for J

- Sound the horn

Repeat until approximately 6 hours up.

- Put eyedrops for J

- Feed J

- Sound the horn

Seems like fun.

Most beautiful place in the world.

2011-02-18T23:44:00.003+08:00

Search the above phrase in Google images.

It kept me happy for a while :)

Burlesque!

2011-02-17T16:22:00.002+08:00

I CAN'T WAITTT TO START THE COURSEEE.

Been a long while since I felt the excitement of going to learn something new [that i'm actually interested in, unlike school]. So excitinggg.

Looking forward to it! One more week one more week one more week.

Pirates!

2011-02-15T20:47:00.002+08:00

Been a long time since I was in love with a movie character ;) Been searching up Captain Jack Sparrow quotes for the past hour or so. The only reason i'm not looking for pictures is because i'm in the school library :/

I have to thank J for making me watch Pirates with him, even though by the time we were watching the third movie, he fell asleep. But anyway, yeah. I can't wait for the next one to be out.

Barbossa: The world used to be a bigger place.
Jack Sparrow: World's still the same. There's just less in it.

Just some updates.

2011-02-13T22:39:00.003+08:00

I should be more careful about the stuff I leave lying around the internet.

-

Anyway, I signed up for some Burlesque Cabaret dance course thingy at Groove dance studio. It was some highly discounted thing that I saw through Groupon.sg's website, and I decided to give it a try. I'm still really confused as to how the whole thing works though, so i'm just signing up first and figuring out later.

Will be going to the studio tomorrow to find out more. I'm really quite interested in the course, so I hope there won't be any problems [considering how complicated the process was] and i'll be able to take it :D

Looking forward to it ^^

Random.

2011-02-11T21:50:00.003+08:00

The other day in my German class, my Prof was trying to explain the masculine/feminine nature of nouns. He looked around for something as an example, then reached into his bag and pulled out a brain.

Umm. Whaaat?

Social, 50 points.

2011-02-09T21:13:00.004+08:00

So this fella came to talk to me on Facebook chat. Just one of those people whom I added for Mousehunt horn sounding. I never thought i'd bother to talk to any of them, considering the past few times some of them tried to talk to me was to ask me to send them gold.

It was a very simple chat, involving the usual 'where are you from' and 'how old are you' stuff. Kinda nice actually, since it's been ages since I chatted with anyone I don't know over the internet. The last I remember making internet friends was when I was 14 and chatting on the Neopets Fan Club chat boards.

Oh and of course the 5566 guild, as well as AuditionSEA friends. Those are locals though. Heh.

Maybe I should go chat with more of these people :)

Oh, Mom. Vol. 2.

2011-02-06T19:12:00.002+08:00

Over dinner again.

J: -puts a piece of extremely hot tofu in his mouth without realising-
Everyone else: o_o
Mom: Oh no you poor thing! -turns to me- Quick! Help him blow!
Jbro and I: -facepalm-
Me: You should probably just spit that out. As opposed to me blowing you like my mom said.

Congrats silly.

2011-02-06T03:34:00.004+08:00

J: -is looking through my clothes- Which shirt should I wear?
Me: You can wear whatever you want.
J: Is it because I won?
Me: . . .

:)

2011-02-05T11:16:00.003+08:00

Went to catch Green Hornet with J last night. By the time it ended, so had all the public transport, so we walked back to my place from Tampines.

Had a nice little chat at the playground on the way home, both of us sitting on one big swing and discussing hypothetical scenarios. Just like last time, when we were still trying to learn more about each other :)

Wonder what we'll do today. But first, gotta wait till that Booboo wakes up :)

Happy CNY I guess.

2011-02-03T11:33:00.002+08:00

Today feels like a nice day to sit alone on the beach, in the rain, and just... be away from everyone and everything for a while.

Unfortunately it's not going to be.

It may not be the holidays anymore but...

2011-01-29T14:57:00.001+08:00

Since it was a free day for both of us yesterday, we decided to take a walk around town. Neither of us had been having a very good time prior to this, and it was really nice to spend some time relaxing in each other's company.

I really enjoyed it. Thanks Baby :)

INTP

2011-01-28T13:10:00.002+08:00

10 months ago, I was a ISFP.

Now,

You are:
- very expressed introvert
- moderately expressed intuitive personality
- slightly expressed thinking personality
- slightly expressed perceiving personality

Personality Types

2011-01-28T12:59:00.002+08:00

"First of all, Friedman and Rosenman came up with two types of personalities based on observable behaviors.

The first type of personality was called Type A and it was characterized by:
1. an intense drive to achieve one’s goals
2. over-competitiveness in all areas of lives
3. constantly seeking for recognition and improvement
4. involvement in many activities at once which had deadlines to meet
5. tendency to rush things
6. astonishing physical and mental alertness.

After that, the researchers came up with Type B and its characteristics were the opposites of Type A personality. Therefore, Type B people are characterized by a lack of: drive, ambition, sense of urgency, competitiveness and involvements which have deadlines."

Here.

I give up.

2011-01-27T22:16:00.004+08:00

If you don't want to hear me out, I'll never talk to you again. I hope you're happy.

You never gave me a voice.

2011-01-27T21:29:00.000+08:00

So...

2011-01-23T23:21:00.001+08:00

My hair is blue.

So this holiday,

2011-01-22T00:16:00.003+08:00

I did many things. One of the few times I wasn't just rotting at home playing games like I usually would have. Since it's coming to an end now, i'll just look back and sum up all of the things that happened.

- First Fruits+boyfriends gathering at Ruby's.
- Holidayed in Bangkok and got like a year's supply of clothes.
- Also got a few contacts for supply of whatevers :)

- Bridesmaid for Dorena's wedding.
- Boat ride and Lazarus Island with family and J. Cool shit.
- Sneaked into Bukit Timah railway on a rainy day and took a video for J there.
- Clubbed and didn't hate it.

- Met up with poly friends and had dinner with them.

- Went shopping with Yuxiu.

- Cycled from Changi to East Coast with the bros, then KTVed.
- Fell sick. Lol.
- Watched shows and movies.
- More specifically, Hana Yori Dango 1 & 2, and Modern Family.
- And Tron, Confessions, Singing In The Rain, Juno, Inglourious Basterds, How To Train Your Dragon, and Burlesque.
- Played Dungeon Hunter 2.
- Light painting with lightsticks.
- Flourished. Quite a bit.
- Queued for bubble tea. Tons and tons of times.
- Wrote a letter to the future.
- Prepared J's birthday present :D
- Juste Debout.

And of course there were other times where we just went out and walked around. Practically spent every single moment with J. I'll miss this holiday now that school's starting and because it's the last holiday i'll ever have, but oh well. I'm glad it happened and that I made full use of it :)

Reminder to self.

2011-01-21T21:46:00.001+08:00

Stop.

Definitions.

2011-01-20T00:44:00.003+08:00

o·blig·ing /əˈblaɪdʒɪŋ/ [uh-blahy-jing]
–adjective
1. willing or eager to do favors, offer one's services, etc.; accommodating: The clerk was most obliging.
Well, fuck you.
o·blige /əˈblaɪdʒ/ [uh-blahyj]
verb, o·bliged, o·blig·ing.
–verb (used with object)
1. to require or constrain, as by law, command, conscience, or force of necessity.

I won't lie.

2011-01-15T00:00:00.003+08:00

Walking around feeling drugged and numb to everything is... kinda nice.

Numb is good.

Quick summary.

2011-01-13T21:21:00.004+08:00

Spent the better part of the week being sick. Stayed at J's since I figured no one would be home to help me if I went back anyway.

Flourished a lot on Sunday night after family dinner. Nearly died trying to figure out the rainbow spring. But anyway, it was quality time spent with J even though we weren't even talking much :)

The next day we decided to go explore the Bukit Timah railway. Despite the fact that it was raining. We were wearing ponchos to keep ourselves dry, so you can imagine how ridiculous we looked. When we reached the place, there were 'No Entry' signs and stuff like that. We went ahead anyway. It was scary and awesome at the same time. At one point, a train actually came past and we had to hide behind some logs.

I think that's how I started falling sick because that night I started getting a fever. Plopped in bed after watching Singing In The Rain with J and his brother, then watching J do some woodwork.

Pretty much stayed that way for the next two days. Thank goodness J was there taking care of me :) Even though he was bored to death.

Went out with the bros today. For the first time ever, we had lunch at Changi Village [instead of dinner] and then rented bikes to cycle to East Coast. The 8km stretch on Changi Coast Road was a fitch, but having friends for company really helps. The weather was beautiful too; i'm glad it didn't rain at all.

Had Koi at Parkway after that :D For some reason the two decided it would be a good idea to walk two streets down to Teo Heng KTV and sing for the next 3 hours.

I have no voice now.

Had dinner at 85 market ^^ It's awesome because today we ate at both of the places that we always have our dinner gatherings at :)

Ah. Tired now. Just a few more things to do before I go sleep :)

Oh, Mom.

2011-01-09T22:47:00.002+08:00

Over dinner.

Mom: You better eat more protein.
J & I: -stare-
Me: ...If you say so.
J & I: -die from trying to stifle laughter-

Quotes from the past.

2011-01-08T17:31:00.003+08:00

I was looking through a bit of my old stuff when I found this little notebook full of Chinese words in my own handwriting. Turns out I was writing down quotes from shows that I was watching years ago. I don't remember what shows they were though.

Here are some of the better ones.

- 我怕自己一旦依赖一个人，最后那个人还是离开。我不要伤心，我不要绝望。
- 我真的改变了吗？跟以前不同吗？改变了，便不是我了吗？是坏事吗？我... 后悔吗？
- 追求快乐是应该的，根本不需要找理由。
- 我不恐惧爱情，我恐惧的是爱太深了，以后带来的心碎。
- “我真的不知道世界上还有什么诺言是真的。” “但是你不能因为这个世界上那些伤害你的人而对其他人失去信心。” “那是因为你没有受过伤。”

We're on a boat!

2011-01-07T21:37:00.001+08:00

Awesome day.

J and I were light painting until about 4 in the morning. Will probably upload photos soon.

Then had to wake up early in the morning to go for the boat ride. No idea why my mom/Aunty Jo decided to take us. It was a smallish yacht that provided a pretty bumpy ride, but that was what was awesome about it. Went to Lazarus Island, one of the Southern Islands that people can't usually go to.

Lunched at Changi Village and had the huge Milo Dinosaur. Ah.

Came back and knocked ourselves unconscious for several hours. Then went back to J's with the intention of heading out to club. Ended up playing with the LED light helicopter thing, trying to catapult it up to his house. Didn't quite succeed, and it ended up in the pool. J had to go retrieve it. [He looked really sexy when he took off his clothes really quickly and dived into the pool - He told me to write this.]

Clubbing plans were called off.

Watched the remaining of Hana Yori Dango season 2.

I know no one's reading. That's why these're all so boring.

Record 2.

2011-01-06T23:15:00.002+08:00

Spent most of the day doing stuff for my potential little start-up. Like Ruby said, the first few are bound to fail, so why not start failing asap so I can get them over with.

Plans aren't concrete yet so i'll probably blog about them sometime later.

Or not.

Record.

2011-01-05T11:29:00.007+08:00

Went out to watch Confessions with J and his friend Kevin. And his friends. Then went to town for a while. Spent some time at SS and saw Michael at Danz People heh. Thinking of whether I should go take House again.

Then came back and watching Hana Yori Dango season 2. Part of it, anyways.

Moar later.

-

Came home so I could do some stuff of my own. Like waxing my legs and stuff. Also got a haircut, had photos printed and checked out some potential suppliers. Had dinner at home, so I saved food costs :)

And wrote. Writing really helps me express and feel my emotions properly. It's nice to stop being numb to everything, but makes it more difficult to protect myself. Oh well.
Because feelings include hate.
I just tapped the spacebar twice in an attempt to type a fullstop.

-

One of the potential suppliers replied me. I'm kinda excited that i'm finally doing something about the plan I had.

We're getting ourselves drunks. Jboyfriend, Jbro and myself. Jboyfriend and I were going to go clubbing, but I got into a fight with my mom and we ended up coming home. He stayed with me even though he had really wanted to go clubbing. Thanks baby.

Just keeping track.

2011-01-04T01:40:00.002+08:00

Today I got my phone fixed. Had Koi. Watched Hana Yori Dango with J the whole day.

Yesterday we had lunch at his grandparents' as usual, dinner with my family as usual, and watched the first part of Hana Yori Dango and a bit of Goong.

The day before was all spent on my cousin's wedding.

The 5 days before that were in Bangkok.

Alright done.

Marriage.

2011-01-02T00:40:00.004+08:00

I just came back from my cousin's wedding. She's the first in our generation to get married, and two other cousins and myself were the bridesmaids. That meant we had to wake up uber early, which wouldn't have been much of a problem if the night before hadn't been New Year's countdown.

It was fun I guess. It was the first time I felt so connected to a wedding. As in, the other weddings I attended before were of people I wasn't really close with. This time though, I felt it.

Congratulations Dorena and Alex! Have a blissful marriage :)

2010-12-31T23:41:00.004+08:00

I wanted to be talking to you as people everywhere scream 'Happy New Year!'. I wanted to be the first to wish you.

Instead, i'll be alone in my room, with a dead iPhone 4 next to me, listening to the happy screams of my neighbours and pretending I don't care.

Forget it.

More hollerdays.

2010-12-25T11:16:00.004+08:00

Well... Yesterday didn't go as smoothly as planned. We built a fort and played Dungeon Hunters 2 inside it, yes, but because of all the pillows and mattresses we moved around, we got allergic reactions to dust and stuff.

Meeting and petting Longcat on the way to J's didn't help either. Subsequent plans were scrapped to make way for the recovery of swollen eyes and leaking noses.

Hope today will be better.

Oh by the way, if you haven't noticed, i'm only trying to keep a record on what my holidays have been/will be like. There are a ton of things I wanna do :)

J's mom: Korkor, wake up and pack your room!

J [in his sleep]: Don't worry Loretta will decide.

...Thanks for thinking of me as your maid even in your sleep -_______-

Hollerdays.

2010-12-24T17:24:00.004+08:00

And then yesterday I went out with my family for shopping. Or at least my brother shopped. It felt like a waste of time to me. Met J at night and we played Dungeon Hunters 2 for like 6 hours straight until we finished the game.

We just came back from attempting to skateboard downstairs. Lalala. Now we're gonna build a fort and then play more Dungeon Hunters inside the fort. At night we're gonna play with the Holga and lightsticks.

This holiday is gonna be awesome.

Liberated.

2010-12-23T04:16:00.004+08:00

Even normal food tastes better than usual.

Watched Tron in town with J after my paper, then came over to my place to watch 50 First Dates. He had prepared a ton of Christmas presents for me, which is really sweet of him. Thanks baby :)

We met Longcat and fed Longcat. We competed on who dared to shout 'penis' louder in public and giggled like idiots. We walked home feeling considerably more relaxed than we've been recently.

I'm happy :)

Tomorrow.

2010-12-21T20:33:00.001+08:00

I wanna get back my ability to feel.

This day, one year ago.

2010-12-21T07:11:00.004+08:00

Revisiting all the memories between now and a year ago.

After looking through all the shit that happened, i'm amazed that I even managed to stay alive through it all. I learned so much. And I changed so much.
I learnt how to block out my emotions.
Well. Like they say. Whatever doesn't kill you just makes you stronger.
I'm really good at not caring anymore.
Good job, me.

A random funny.

2010-12-20T12:06:00.003+08:00

Yesterday at SAFYC with the family.

Mom: -points to a table on an isolated floating platform on the sea- We're having our dinner there.
Me [to J]: You're gonna have to swim over there k.
Mom: Jaspas, can you swim?
J: Yeah.
Mom: Ah. What else can you do? [She meant like water sports and stuff]
Jbro and me: Flourishing.

Lol.

:)

2010-12-20T11:37:00.004+08:00

Sometimes you just gotta let the child in you take over.

ROFL.

2010-12-17T12:21:00.002+08:00

Direct link here.

I'll be fine.

2010-12-15T23:38:00.002+08:00

As above.

Fantasies.

2010-12-10T21:22:00.003+08:00

When I was 14, I wanted to be able to turn into a wolf at night and run. Just run.

I have that same feeling now.

Maybe i'll go back to running.

Time to really mug.

2010-12-02T23:34:00.001+08:00

As above.

You lost the game.

2010-11-30T22:34:00.003+08:00

It's a simple game. You win when you stop caring about it.

It's so weird how I feel uncomfortably unsafe when I can't lock my room door when i'm upset.

When reality hits.

2010-11-28T23:45:00.000+08:00

This is what it feels like.

Those with iPhone 4

2010-11-28T10:55:00.001+08:00

Download instagram!

Where I am and where I have to be.

2010-11-24T08:36:00.002+08:00

11 Dec, Saturday - AA304 exam
Progress: Not the best but still okay, considering I haven't skipped any lessons so far.
Plan: Study for it while studying for the quiz next week, and the few days before the exam.

16 Dec, Thursday - CS100 exam & AA306 exam
Progress: CS100 - Am screwed for lecture attendance since I don't bother going anymore; already finished studying for it last week. AA306 - Fucked.
Plan: Mug AA306 consistently over the entire stretch. CS100 read again just before the exam.

22 Dec, Wednesday - AC208 exam
Progress: NIL. Like really NIL, because I didn't go for a single lesson since i'm technically exempted from all the lessons.
Plan: Mug starting from the end of everything, and hope that this doesn't lead me to the end of everything.

LOL.

2010-11-23T20:45:00.002+08:00

Wish the one I got several years ago had been a typo. LOL.

Things are fine.

2010-11-23T18:50:00.002+08:00

You told me to go to sleep. That things would be okay when I woke up.

But all waking up did, was to bring the future closer.