Finally.

I stopped talking to my father when i was 14. The only conversations we had were those where he would talk or ask me something, and my replies would be very annoyed, monosyllabic answers.

He called back yesterday from overseas. I don't know where. Ever since the divorce, or even before it, he had been disappearing overseas for months at a time for his business. He'd call back maybe once a month to check if everything was fine. I didn't really care.

Okay that was a total lie. I've been living in guilt all this while, for being so unfilial. I couldn't even talk to him without crying; yet i couldn't bring myself to be any nicer to him. This dissonance was really strangling me. In the recent years i've been getting better. At least my replies were less impatient than before and during those rare times that he'd call back, i would actually talk. Just a few sentences, but that's quite an achievement for me.

At the end of the phone call yesterday, i told him, "I love you."

It took me years to build up the courage to do so. Each time he returned home from overseas i told myself that i'd do it, but i never did. The last time he was going overseas, i told myself to say goodbye to him the night before. I stood outside his room door for 10 minutes and simply couldn't bring myself to knock on his door. So... i'm really proud of myself now :)

Now i'll die with no regrets.

Good thing KS was here with me yesterday, to hold me while i just wept in his arms. I think he's used to it. Thanks darling.