Down, down, down, down, down.

I realised my self-esteem hit a new all-time low yesterday when I sat in a corner in Dbl O for Dance Meets: Funk Sessions Vol. 1 yesterday watching the dancers, and felt like crying. No, not because I was nostalgic. No, not because I was alone.

It was because I felt inferior to the small/cute or tall/skinny/hot girls there. Particularly when the emcee commented, "Omgosh, so cute!" at one of the girl lockers. I agree that she's cute. I'm not jealous. I'm envious, because i'll never be like them.

It never used to matter to me that I wasn't small or cute, that my boobs weren't big enough, that I didn't know how to put on makeup like those Taiwanese girls who turn into someone else when they do. It didn't seem to matter to the people around me. And at least I was good at the things that I did, and I knew it.

Not anymore. It's hard enough having to meet my preset expectations of being competent, while taking part in activities that i'm inferior in. It's worse when the people around me just help to prove that i'm not.

It's been a long time since i've heard, "You're good at..." Or, "That was awesome."

Instead of, "If only you..." or "That's fine, but..."

Or maybe i'm just PMS-ing.

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My self-deprecating mind reminds me that someone's just gonna come along and call me a fool for feeling this way anyway.

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I need to go and do something that i'm good in. Where people don't look down on me.