Down, down, down, down, down.

I realised my self-esteem hit a new all-time low yesterday when I sat in a corner in Dbl O for Dance Meets: Funk Sessions Vol. 1 yesterday watching the dancers, and felt like crying. No, not because I was nostalgic. No, not because I was alone.

It was because I felt inferior to the small/cute or tall/skinny/hot girls there. Particularly when the emcee commented, "Omgosh, so cute!" at one of the girl lockers. I agree that she's cute. I'm not jealous. I'm envious, because i'll never be like them.

It never used to matter to me that I wasn't small or cute, that my boobs weren't big enough, that I didn't know how to put on makeup like those Taiwanese girls who turn into someone else when they do. It didn't seem to matter to the people around me. And at least I was good at the things that I did, and I knew it.

Not anymore. It's hard enough having to meet my preset expectations of being competent, while taking part in activities that i'm inferior in. It's worse when the people around me just help to prove that i'm not.

It's been a long time since i've heard, "You're good at..." Or, "That was awesome."

Instead of, "If only you..." or "That's fine, but..."

Or maybe i'm just PMS-ing.

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My self-deprecating mind reminds me that someone's just gonna come along and call me a fool for feeling this way anyway.

-

I need to go and do something that i'm good in. Where people don't look down on me.

Freud's Id, Ego & Superego.

The id comprises the unorganised part of the personality structure that contains the basic drives. The id acts according to the "pleasure principle", seeking to avoid pain or unpleasure aroused by increases in instinctual tension.

The Ego acts according to the reality principle; i.e. it seeks to please the id’s drive in realistic ways that will benefit in the long term rather than bringing grief.

Regression, according to psychoanalyst Sigmund Freud, is a defense mechanism leading to the temporary or long-term reversion of the ego to an earlier stage of development rather than handling unacceptable impulses in a more adult way.

Faces.

Hello Slash, it's been a while.

INTP

10 months ago, I was a ISFP.

Now,

You are:
- very expressed introvert
- moderately expressed intuitive personality
- slightly expressed thinking personality
- slightly expressed perceiving personality

Personality Types

"First of all, Friedman and Rosenman came up with two types of personalities based on observable behaviors.

The first type of personality was called Type A and it was characterized by:
1. an intense drive to achieve one’s goals
2. over-competitiveness in all areas of lives
3. constantly seeking for recognition and improvement
4. involvement in many activities at once which had deadlines to meet
5. tendency to rush things
6. astonishing physical and mental alertness.

After that, the researchers came up with Type B and its characteristics were the opposites of Type A personality. Therefore, Type B people are characterized by a lack of: drive, ambition, sense of urgency, competitiveness and involvements which have deadlines."

Here.

You are the grass-fragrance type.

From an email from Mom.

"You have very strong will, not dependent on others and gives an impression of being a lone-ranger. You are extremely curious and sensual, living a clear-headed, modern life. At first glance you place yourself on a pedestal, and are difficult to get along. But once others talk to you, they know you are easygoing. And when the relationship develops, they realise you are affable. You have an androgynous charm, which makes you popular with all genders. But you don't like your weak side to be seen. You might look cool on the surface, but beneath it all, you are really passionate. Only people who know your true self can maintain a long-lasting relationship with you."

I don't really believe personality tests since the results are usually just a bunch of generic traits. But these are some of the things that I hear regularly from Soul Funky about me.

"At first glance you place yourself on a pedestal, and are difficult to get along" & "you might look cool on the surface" in particular. Lol.

Love languages.

My Primary Love Languages are probably Quality Time and Physical Touch

My Detailed Results:
Quality Time:	9
Physical Touch:	9
Acts of Service:	6
Words of Affirmation:	6
Receiving Gifts:	0

Take the Quiz!
Check out the Book

From Wei Long's blog. I already knew what my primary love languages are; I just wanted to take it again.

ISFP

You are:
- distinctively expressed introvert
- moderately expressed sensing personality
- very expressed feeling personality
- slightly expressed perceiving personality

I can't remember if it's consistent with the last time I took the other MBTI test from another site. [Edit: Yes, it is.]

MBTI from HumanMetrics.

I'm still not started on my work. Been reading past journal entries, blog entries, tweets, chatlogs. I never get sick of reading them.

Prisoner's Dilemma

So we were demonstrating the game theory in class today. Each person was required to choose either 6 or 9 points. The rules were:

1. If <10% of the class chooses 9, then people who choose 9 will get 9 participation points and people who choose 6 will get 6 participation points.
2. If >10% of the class chooses 9, then everyone gets no points.
3. Anonymity.
4. No communication/collusion.

If you understand the game theory, you'll realise there are a few schools of thought.

People will choose 9 because if they do, they have nothing to lose. If they're lucky and <10% chooses 9, then they get 9 points and are better off than everyone else - it's anonymous anyway and no one knows which selfish bugger was the one who did. If not, then no one gets anything and they still don't lose out.

People will choose 6 because hopefully at least 90% of the rest of us choose 6, so that we can all get participation points. Doesn't matter if they lose out by 3 points to some people, at least everyone gets points. Apparently, this is the 'greater good' choice.

9 was never a choice for me. I never even realised the rationale for people choosing 9 until it was explained after the whole thing.

The results were exactly 50-50.

We also discussed ethical issues and this came up - "Do what you want, just don't get caught." I'm guessing this is what goes through the mind of those who chose 9. Since it was anonymous, reputation etc didn't matter. But for me, even if I don't get caught, my conscience will bug me to no end.

Sometimes I wish I had less morals.

But hey, I think i'm on the way there.

ISFP - The Artist

You are a very special individual that needs to have a career that is more than just a job. You will not be fulfilled in a routine job that does not hold special meaning you. Therefore you should seek opportunities based on interests you have passion for and areas of work that meet your inner beliefs.

You need an environment where you can be free to follow your natural tendencies and therefore structured corporate environments will not suit you well. Many major artists have been ISFPs.

Some of your personality traits include:
* Keen awareness of their environment
* Live in the present moment - "Live."
* Enjoy a slower pace - you like to take time to savor the present moment - As above.
* Dislike dealing with theory or abstract thought, unless you see a practical application
* Faithful and loyal to people and ideas which are important to you - "Love."
* Individualistic, having no desire to lead or follow - Not entirely true, I like to lead, but I don't force it.
* Take things seriously, although you frequently appear not to.
* Special bond with children and animals - Not sure about children, but animals yes :)
* Quiet and reserved, except with people you know extremely well - Very true.
* Trusting, sensitive, and kind - Not sure about trusting, but I do hope the other two are true.
* Service-oriented; you're driven to help others - Explains all the volunteering?
* Extremely well-developed appreciation for aesthetic beauty - Hmmm kinda. The boyfriend never understands.
* Likely to be original and unconventional - Yeah I hate to be the same as others. Most of the people I know are also like that, though.
* Learn best with hands-on training
* Hate being confined to strict schedules and regimens - Not entirely true. I like structure.
* Need space and freedom to do things your own way - Burger King: Have it your way.
* Dislike mundane, routine tasks, but will perform them if necessary - Explains my job.

Some of your suggested careers are:
* Artist - That why I said...
* Musician / Composer - ...I should've been in ADM...
* Designer - ...when my Comms tutor asked about all my arty interests.
* Child Care / Early Childhood Development
* Social Worker / Counselor - I've been saying I wanted to go into this.
* Teacher - I can't teach, unfortunately.
* Psychologist - Would like to, but can't deal with the maths side of it.
* Veterinarian - Wanted to be one when I was a kid.
* Forest Ranger - Awesome, if only we had such stuff. I wanted to volunteer for NParks that time.
* Pediatrician

That's funny. I used to get INFP/ENFP. But this is true to quite a large extent. My previous results from other personality tests usually apply to my circumstance/situation at that point in time. This particular one has mentioned traits/things that applied to me since I was a kid.

Therefore i'm in the wrong profession.

Leo.

The top of my bubble tea cup says: 性格 - 有明朗的个性，充满男性的活力，意志强.

True? You evaluate.

Been practising the dribble all day. I love the sound the cards make :) Will probably start trying the spring soon.