Yeah. That's how I felt.

So I wasn't making that much of a fuss last time,

Was I? :)

You're welcome.

Down, down, down, down, down.

I realised my self-esteem hit a new all-time low yesterday when I sat in a corner in Dbl O for Dance Meets: Funk Sessions Vol. 1 yesterday watching the dancers, and felt like crying. No, not because I was nostalgic. No, not because I was alone.

It was because I felt inferior to the small/cute or tall/skinny/hot girls there. Particularly when the emcee commented, "Omgosh, so cute!" at one of the girl lockers. I agree that she's cute. I'm not jealous. I'm envious, because i'll never be like them.

It never used to matter to me that I wasn't small or cute, that my boobs weren't big enough, that I didn't know how to put on makeup like those Taiwanese girls who turn into someone else when they do. It didn't seem to matter to the people around me. And at least I was good at the things that I did, and I knew it.

Not anymore. It's hard enough having to meet my preset expectations of being competent, while taking part in activities that i'm inferior in. It's worse when the people around me just help to prove that i'm not.

It's been a long time since i've heard, "You're good at..." Or, "That was awesome."

Instead of, "If only you..." or "That's fine, but..."

Or maybe i'm just PMS-ing.

-

My self-deprecating mind reminds me that someone's just gonna come along and call me a fool for feeling this way anyway.

-

I need to go and do something that i'm good in. Where people don't look down on me.

累了.

I can't remember the last time I did something purely for myself. Without consideration for someone else. It's really like i'm living my life for someone else now. Such that if everything ends, I don't even have myself to fall back on.

Given too much, yet can't seem to stop.

-

Getting stressed very easily nowadays. Every little thing seems to add on to my frustration really quickly. What with exams coming, a project that i'm not very good at and my group is probably going to mark me down, relationship pressures [not problems, mind; more like having to spend time with the J-saur and helping out with his stuff/being engaged in some of his family matters] and other stressors here and there.

Tiring.

The future.

That same wave of dread that washed over me a few months ago just did again, after I realised how close I am to graduating. Throughout the entire semester, people have been asking me where i'm going after graduation. All of them are going to the Big 4. Me?

Yesterday I went back to TP with Yvonne to study. Dropping by to chat with the lecturers was just part of our routine. Naturally, they all had the same question for me - "Where are you going after graduation?"

And while telling my peers in school "I don't know" or "I haven't decided" is perfectly fine, I could see the disappointment in my old lecturers when I told them what I had been using as a defense each time people asked me what I wanted to do. No, apparently being young and wanting to try new things to find out what I like isn't really their favourite thing to hear.

I realise that there are actually so many things I want to do. Right now, i'm just feeling really pathetic, not knowing what i'm going to do the moment I walk out of my final exam venue one month later. Last semester, there was something I dreaded when I ended my exams. It seems like the same for this sem too.

I have that business that i've already [barely] started. The hard part still lies ahead of me. It makes me sad thinking about my peers all going for their well-deserved grad trips, while I have to save money for the business which i'm not even sure will breakeven, much less generate returns. Honestly, I don't have high hopes. But i'm going to try anyway. If I don't start now, I never will.

Another option I have is taking that interior design course at NAFA, which I heard about [and decided was a blessing] from a random acquaintance whom I haven't talked to in years. I just went to check it out. The application period is in May, for the intake in August. It's not a diploma like I thought it would be; only a certificate. And it's $1,300. I'm already in debt from my poly and uni tuition loans. It's giving me second thoughts as to whether I should even bother. Maybe I could just go work as an accountant in a small interior design firm?

If i'm really going to stay true to my heart, but only if I were able to disregard all else in my life, I would want to take my diving instructor licence [which is another few thousand dollars] then head overseas to work in some resort. But I can't. For so many reasons.

Or. I could dye my hair back to black, pretty much throw away whatever part of my life that isn't work, and go for an interview at one of the Big 4. Which I would have done if it were still a year and a half ago.

But i'm not going to give up just yet.

And they went, "Poof!"

Reading past blog entries, trying to recall what on earth I used to do in my free time.

And where they've all gone.

-

Much of my time in NTU was taken up by Soul Funky. Like i've said many times before, if it wasn't for Soul Funky, I wouldn't be in school. In the first semester when there's no JDC, I would be training for performances, or doing some teaching [that was when we didn't have an instructor]. Or doing admin. Yeah :) Chatting with Fabby a lot. And of course when JDC came about in the second semester, it basically took up whatever remaining time we had.

Other than that, I used to run. Especially when I was working. Went running at East Coast with Mom and Aunty Jo thrice a week. When I had school, it was less, because I couldn't make it in the evenings. Oh, I did 21km for my 21st birthday :) Proud of it.

I told stories at the library every other Saturday to young kids [pedobear hahaha]. Stopped last year in August after I dyed my hair pink, because I didn't want to be a bad influence to the children. And also because it prevented me from hanging out late on Friday, and made it difficult to plan my Saturdays. I also did other ad-hoc volunteering activities. Hmmm. Should probably start doing it again.

This. Lol. Yeah I spent quite a bit of time playing games. Whether it was out of Quil-influence or brother-influence. And the rest of the time was hanging out on forums talking rubbish and laughing at flame wars. And chatting on MSN. For some strange unknown reason, the internet suddenly lost its appeal.

Oh yeah I used to spend a lot of time on Youtube. Call me childish, but I used to catch Disney's Suite Life of Zac and Cody/Suite Life on Deck as well as Wizards of Waverly Place. And of course a ton of Whose Line, which I never got sick of watching. Sometimes a bit of Taiwanese dramas here and there.

I wrote! Yeah I almost forgot about that :) I used to write when I emo-ed, which resulted in a lot of shitty emo stories lol. So many ideas that I never got down to writing, and now i've forgotten them. Oh well :)

Walking down the beach at Changi :) Good thing I still get to do that once in a while with my bros.

I still dive, but it takes up a lot of money and time. On the rare occasions that I get to do it, it's awesome :D

Yeah I think that was mostly it. I lost most of them when my life and priorities got messed up a while back. Gotta go remember what being passionate about something feels like :)

It's okay not to be okay.

I remember reading something about 'true happiness' being when you have neither attachment to joy or aversion to sorrow. And accepting that neither joy nor sorrow is permanent. At the time, I found those words really meaningful and wanted to try and achieve that 'true happiness'.

Bullshit.

I didn't choose to end up like this. It was after constant reinforcing and conditioning that i'm now just numb to everything. Which is good considering now I don't feel disappointed so much and I cry a lot less than I used to.

At the same time, I've pretty much lost the ability to feel excited or happy about anything. Most of the things I 'enjoy' doing have just become mechanical.

It sucks to feel so dead. I want to feel that tingly warm feeling when I hear a familar song that means something to me. I want to laugh like a madwoman at jokes people tell. I want to cry out loud, feel that stabbing pain in my heart.

Better than not feeling anything at all.

-

So yes, I am disappointed right now. Sinking feeling in my heart, please come back.

-

It's a protective mechanism.

Get disappointed after having hopes. "I'm not going to have hopes anymore."
Get pissed off from waiting. "I'm not going to wait anymore."
Get upset from caring too much. "I'm not going to care anymore."

That's how people become numb.

Reminder to self.

Stop.

This day, one year ago.

Revisiting all the memories between now and a year ago.

After looking through all the shit that happened, i'm amazed that I even managed to stay alive through it all. I learned so much. And I changed so much.
I learnt how to block out my emotions.
Well. Like they say. Whatever doesn't kill you just makes you stronger.
I'm really good at not caring anymore.
Good job, me.

Reciprocity.

In order to be able to give happily, you have to allow yourself to receive.

Come to think about it.

I can't tell if I am happier now or at the beginning of the year.

Funny how that's a difficult choice to make, considering I was basically sinking into depression at the beginning of the year.

You cannot go back in time, even if you wish it with every fiber of your being, your heart and soul, even if you think about it every day. Trust me. I know.

Self-intro.

As I mentioned a few blog posts down, I had to do a short description of myself for my CS100 assignment. Here's the result.

I have pink hair.

Socially awkward, weird, possibly even a little eccentric - that is, until you get to know me. I'm slow to warm up to people, but close to those who manage to break the ice. I have been told that I am stubborn, but I insist that I am not.

Many things interest me. I enjoy scuba diving, dancing and card flourishing, to name a few. In school, I dance with Soul Funky, a young club that I helped to set up two years ago which specializes in Popping and Locking styles of dance. I love doing strange and crazy things, which is why I am in the most exciting course in school - Accountancy.

I have also been told that I am sarcastic.

Psychology and Sociology interest me and help me understand why I am so different from my peers sometimes. I mean, it's not often that you find an accountant with pink hair and a tattoo (but do not be mistaken; the tattoo was not one of those crazy ideas I had, I deliberated for several years before getting it and it is meaningful to me).

I like cracking jokes and making people laugh, but unfortunately not many people understand my sense of humour. A bit of an entertainer at heart, which puzzles me as to why I chose a career path that keeps me stuck in a corner of the office crunching numbers day and night.

Yup.

Randomness. It's a gift.

Who I am.

For my CS100 assignment, i'm supposed to write a 300-word descriptor about myself.

With just 300 words to play around with, i'm not sure what I can/should be putting in it. Particularly since i'm such a confusing person who does so many random things. I contemplated writing 100 lines of 'I am awesome' but I don't think my prof would appreciate it much.

So. Dancing? Diving? Flourishing? My educational history? My family background? My social life? My hopes, dreams and fears? Pokemon?

Will do it tomorrow.

The future is...

So yesterday I was having breakfast with my AA306 group members and they were mentioning how they were keeping their recess week free so that they could go for job interviews. Besides that, ever since school started, classmates have been asking me whether i've gone for so-and-so career talks and it seems like i'm the only one in the world who hasn't gone for any.

I don't know whether to say i'm worried about my future or not. While it appears like I don't care [if I did, I would've at least read the emails regarding the career talks], i'm pretty much freaking out.

As i've been telling everyone who asked, I don't exactly want to follow the normal track of Accountancy grads and head to the Big 4 the moment I graduate. I don't exactly think it's the best idea devoting the best years of my life to working till 2am every day and having to tolerate the temper of old cranky accountants.

But it's not like there's a lot else I can do. It's not like I want to bum around and live on someone else's income for the rest of my life. I just want to do something that I actually enjoy.

I felt kinda relieved when another group member said he wasn't planning on following the normal path either. Until he told me how he had been investing for years and was already self-sufficient from working from home.

I only have a year left before i'm on my own.

I'm fucked, aren't I?

Note to self.

Mean what you say and say what you mean.

Retribution.

I guess Life thinks I haven't had enough of it.

-

I wish somebody, anybody, would come up to me and take my hand, and say, "Follow me, i'll take you to a place where you won't feel hurt anymore." Maybe that somebody is Death.

The clear night sky. The stars shining bright.

Mom sent me this.

"During one of our seminars, a woman asked a common question. She said, "How do I know if I married the right person?" I noticed that there was a large man sitting next to her so I said, "It depends. Is that your husband?" In all seriousness, she answered "How do you know?" Let me answer this question because the chances are good that it's weighing on your mind.

Here's the answer.

EVERY relationship has a cycle. In the beginning, you fell in love. With your spouse. You anticipated their call, wanted their touch, and liked their idiosyncrasies. Falling in love with your spouse wasn't hard. In fact, it was a completely natural and spontaneous experience. You didn't have to DO anything. That's why it's called "falling" in love... Because it's happening TO YOU. People in love sometimes say, "I was swept off my feet." Think about the imagery of that expression. It implies that you were just standing there; doing nothing, and then something came along and happened TO YOU. Falling in love is easy. It's a passive and spontaneous experience.

But after a few years of marriage, the euphoria of love fades. It's the natural cycle of EVERY relationship. Slowly but surely, phone calls become a bother (if they come at all), touch is not always welcome (when it happens), and your spouse's idiosyncrasies, instead of being cute, drive you nuts. The symptoms of this stage vary with every relationship, but if you think about your marriage, you will notice a dramatic difference between the initial stage when you were in love and a much duller or even angry subsequent stage.

At this point, you and/or your spouse might start asking, "Did I marry the right person?" And as you and your spouse reflect on the euphoria of the love you once had, you may begin to desire that experience with someone else. This is when marriages breakdown. People blame their spouse for their unhappiness and look outside their marriage for fulfillment.

Extramarital fulfillment comes in all shapes and sizes. Infidelity is the most obvious. But sometimes people turn to work, a hobby, a friendship, excessive TV, or abusive substances. But the answer to this dilemma does NOT lie outside your marriage. It lies within it. I'm not saying that you couldn't fall in love with someone else. You could. And TEMPORARILY you'd feel better. But you'd be in the same situation a few years later.

Because (listen carefully to this):

THE KEY TO SUCCEEDING IN MARRIAGE IS NOT FINDING THE RIGHT PERSON; IT'S LEARNING TO LOVE THE PERSON YOU FOUND. SUSTAINING love is not a passive or spontaneous experience. It'll NEVER just happen to you. You can't "find" LASTING love. You have to make" it day in and day out. That's why we have the expression "the labor of love." Because it takes time, effort, and energy, And most importantly, it takes WISDOM . You have to know WHAT TO DO to make your marriage work.

Make no mistake about it. Love is NOT a mystery. There are specific things you can do (with or without your spouse) to succeed with your marriage. Just as there are physical laws of the universe (such as gravity), there are also laws for relationships. Just as the right diet and exercise program makes you physically stronger, certain habits in your relationship WILL make your marriage stronger. It's a direct cause and effect. If you know and apply the laws, the results are predictable... you can "make" love work.

Love in marriage is indeed a "decision"... Not just a feeling."

-

I don't miss you. I miss the feeling of security you gave me. I miss knowing that there's always someone there, no matter what happens to me. I didn't expect you to do everything for me, but it was nice knowing there was someone willing to... and who proved it.

I don't think i'll ever find anyone else whose life revolved around me as much as you.

But I guess we didn't work hard enough. Or at least, we didn't work right.

I don't wanna remember 2009.

Dunno. I just don't.

The first 3 months of the year was basically Soul Funky every day. It was fun, but I screwed up my results.

After the semester ended, I went to work at an insurance broking company as a temporary accounts assistant. I had Quil for company for lunch every day.

In the middle of the year I went on two holidays - one to Pulau Redang and another to Taiwan. They were fun.

Then my second year began. Nothing significant happened. It was just school and dance.

During the one-month break I volunteered a lot. Some other stuff happened. Yeah.

I kinda just wanna leave all the negative stuff behind and start anew.

Wrong = Right?

I'm one completely fucked up person.

Whatever. 就这样吧.

Don't ask me why I keep typing in Chinese recently. My tweets at least. I just feel like it. As if it'll bring me into a completely different world with a completely different situation.

Responsibilities, thrown away.

I'm sorry and thank you.

http://www.asofterworld.com/index.php?id=11

Reflections.

Yunning and I were mentioning after House one day, that we saw what we used to be like, in somebody else. [Annoying lol.]

I just saw my 19-year-old self reflected in someone else. Those days where my heart would skip a beat while i took the stairs two at a time, heading up to the second floor in Keck Seng. The joy at dancing together, and receiving positive feedback. The excitement at meeting people and making friends. The fun we all had, as well as some... other things.

:)

I remember posting something in Multiply about enjoying this phase while it lasted. I'm glad i pretty much did. It wasn't super fantastic, but i liked the way it was.

You know you've reached the end when you're looking back at it.

Like i said before, i've never really been on the same wavelength as those passionate dancers, since dance has always been just a hobby/interest to me. A lot of my dancer friends don't understand how this works for me, but that's okay. Thank you for sharing this experience with me :)

Of course, it's not really the end. I'm still dancing, albeit at a much lower frequency than before. Just let me take dance as what i had intended it to be, just a chapter in my book of life experiences :)