It's okay not to be okay.

I remember reading something about 'true happiness' being when you have neither attachment to joy or aversion to sorrow. And accepting that neither joy nor sorrow is permanent. At the time, I found those words really meaningful and wanted to try and achieve that 'true happiness'.

Bullshit.

I didn't choose to end up like this. It was after constant reinforcing and conditioning that i'm now just numb to everything. Which is good considering now I don't feel disappointed so much and I cry a lot less than I used to.

At the same time, I've pretty much lost the ability to feel excited or happy about anything. Most of the things I 'enjoy' doing have just become mechanical.

It sucks to feel so dead. I want to feel that tingly warm feeling when I hear a familar song that means something to me. I want to laugh like a madwoman at jokes people tell. I want to cry out loud, feel that stabbing pain in my heart.

Better than not feeling anything at all.

-

So yes, I am disappointed right now. Sinking feeling in my heart, please come back.

-

It's a protective mechanism.

Get disappointed after having hopes. "I'm not going to have hopes anymore."
Get pissed off from waiting. "I'm not going to wait anymore."
Get upset from caring too much. "I'm not going to care anymore."

That's how people become numb.

Conditioning, again.

Random variable reward system always produces the most consistent results.

Read: The only reason why i'm at this lecture is because they take attendance using random lecture activities.

Aching like crazy all over. Later's House = GG.

Solitude. Again.

Sitting here alone. Where no one can guess where I am.

Yet hoping someone will know me well enough to find me here.

Nah. I'll be grateful enough if there's someone who cares enough to wonder where I am.

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WTF am I doing with my life?

Operant Conditioning

Just recalling.

Reinforcement [positive & negative]
- Continuous
- Ratio [fixed & variable]
- Interval [fixed & variable]

Punishment [positive & negative]

Conditioning/Motivation

Eat more Happy Meals, he says.

Happy Meals make happy families, he says.