Why i'm doing what i'm doing.

So i've been surfing job websites almost everyday, carefully sifting out those that look interesting to me [therefore, not accounting] and sending my resume out. A lot of them call back and ask me, "So you just graduated with a degree? Why aren't you looking for a permanent job?"

And also, "Why a job of this nature, that has nothing to do with accountancy?"

My answers, which I keep short for the sake of the phone calls/interviews, are usually along the lines of, "I want to try out something different for a while." I've elaborated this to one interviewer before. I don't want to spend my entire life stuck to a deskbound job in an office and watch my ass grow bigger each day. It used to be important to me that I collected a ton of experience in a field in which I was good at, that I needed to have a stable and secure future, but is that what I really want at the end of the day?

I look at my resume and cringe at the ton of audit/accounting-related jobs on them. That's essentially all of them in the past 6 or so years of my life. If i'm just going to add on to them now, what else would I be able to do in the future if I want to be something else?

Of course, people have also been telling me to go and work, like in a bank or something that pays well, save up, then go on and have fun next time. What, when i'm 35 and lugging two kids around? Or when i'm 50 and limping?

It's not society's concept of a proper route in life, and probably for a good reason, in a society that focuses so much on earning money and starting a family and having a stable life. It's stressful trying to do something different, looking around and seeing people going on grad trips knowing that they've already secured a job so they'll be earning back what they spent in Europe/Australia/USA/Taiwan/etc. I'm stuck in Singapore searching for jobs that I would enjoy. As time goes on and desperation kicks in, my lack of income may possibly result in me being an accounts assistant in a small firm anyway.

Is it worth it? I really hope it is.

I can feel my life coming back to me.

J and I were talking the other day about how he always has activities lined up for himself whenever we don't meet, while i'm pretty much just rotting around. He says it's because usually when he spends time with me, there are some things that he wants to do but I don't want to, and he KIVs it for when he's got time for himself.

Plus I haven't exactly been feeling interested in anything very much recently. Everytime I want to do something, it just reminds me of how I also have work to do, which I should probably prioritize.

And then I end up sleeping, because sleep is above all.

But I just felt it. The whole ZOMGICAN'TWAIT feeling. While watching a video on how to do blanket stitches. AAAAAHHHHHHHH I wanna start making felt animals/things! If I get good enough, who knows, I could even spin that into a business and that would be even better than importing accessories from overseas.

Can't wait can't wait :)

Oh excitement, how I have missed you.

-

When tomorrow comes, i'll disappear.

Things in life.

Some things can be picked back up after you've thrown them away. Some things can be fixed after you screw them up. Some things can be restored to near-perfect condition after you fix them.

And some things, can't.

Not everything allows a second chance.

Even fewer, allow a third.

Hahahahahahaha.

Loretta Sze says
sometimes you just gotta laugh at the shit life throws at you
pretend everything is fine
china got earthquake
my father is in china and i haven't heard from him in months
hahahahahaha
i wanted to let out my emotions with my boyfriend but he's too tired to entertain me
hahahahahaa
fuck you, life
:)
Ong Kah Hui says
lol
life.

From an email from Mom.

A giant ship engine failed. The ship's owners tried one expert after another, but none of them could figure but how to fix the engine.

Then they brought in an old man who had been fixing ships since he was a young. He carried a large bag of tools with him, and when he arrived, he immediately went to work. He inspected the engine very carefully, top to bottom.

Two of the ship's owners were there, watching this man, hoping he would know what to do. After looking things over, the old man reached into his bag and pulled out a small hammer. He gently tapped something. Instantly, the engine lurched into life. He carefully put his hammer away. The engine was fixed!

A week later, the owners received a bill from the old man for ten thousand dollars.

"What?!" the owners exclaimed. "He hardly did anything!"

So they wrote the old man a note saying, "Please send us an itemized bill."

The man sent a bill that read:

Tapping with a hammer...... ......... ........ $ 2.00
Knowing where to tap.......... ......... ...... $ 9, 998.00

Effort is important, but knowing where to make an effort makes all the difference!

It's okay not to be okay.

I remember reading something about 'true happiness' being when you have neither attachment to joy or aversion to sorrow. And accepting that neither joy nor sorrow is permanent. At the time, I found those words really meaningful and wanted to try and achieve that 'true happiness'.

Bullshit.

I didn't choose to end up like this. It was after constant reinforcing and conditioning that i'm now just numb to everything. Which is good considering now I don't feel disappointed so much and I cry a lot less than I used to.

At the same time, I've pretty much lost the ability to feel excited or happy about anything. Most of the things I 'enjoy' doing have just become mechanical.

It sucks to feel so dead. I want to feel that tingly warm feeling when I hear a familar song that means something to me. I want to laugh like a madwoman at jokes people tell. I want to cry out loud, feel that stabbing pain in my heart.

Better than not feeling anything at all.

-

So yes, I am disappointed right now. Sinking feeling in my heart, please come back.

-

It's a protective mechanism.

Get disappointed after having hopes. "I'm not going to have hopes anymore."
Get pissed off from waiting. "I'm not going to wait anymore."
Get upset from caring too much. "I'm not going to care anymore."

That's how people become numb.

Definitions.

o·blig·ing   /əˈblaɪdʒɪŋ/ [uh-blahy-jing]
–adjective
1. willing or eager to do favors, offer one's services, etc.; accommodating: The clerk was most obliging.
Well, fuck you.
o·blige   /əˈblaɪdʒ/ [uh-blahyj]
verb, o·bliged, o·blig·ing.
–verb (used with object)
1. to require or constrain, as by law, command, conscience, or force of necessity.

:)

Sometimes you just gotta let the child in you take over.

When reality hits.

This is what it feels like.

Reciprocity.

In order to be able to give happily, you have to allow yourself to receive.

Your take?

Don't work. Avoid telling the truth. Be hated. Love someone.

-

A random happy - Just did my first successful skater cut yay!

If you had a choice.

Would you rather die before your loved one(s), so you don't have to go through the pain of seeing them die? Or would you rather let them die first, to spare them the pain of seeing you die?

I think seeing the one you love in pain hurts infinitely more than being in pain yourself.

Some alone time.

Wu he milk tea + Bailey's creme caramel = :)

Shall spend some time with myself tonight. Though sleeping alone will be a fitch. Then lunch with bros tomorrow and get studying done over the weekend. Assignment to hand in and quiz next Wednesday.

I love my new iphone :)

-

Starting to get a headache. I'll just knock myself out now.

:)

Sunday = family day for both sides. Lunch at his grandparents' then dinner with my family.

Life's good.

Fuck my life.

It never rains. It pours.

When every little negative thing gets magnified and added to the list of 'Why My Life Is Fucked Up' and every good thing gets ignored.

spy. says:

afk.

Random stuff i'm doing instead of studying.

Took a break from work and ended up doing a ton of other stuff. I've had 'What If' playing on repeat for like two hours already, and I was just updating my list of favourite IWTFY quotes when I came across this.

"I never saw you again. You slammed the door as you came in. We yelled at each other about something that just shouldn't fucking matter but for some reason, it does. It happened. We spoke softly. We were in bed. I told you

"I love you."

You said the same. We went to movies and parties and friends and ate and drank and made love.

It all ended with my eyes meeting yours for the first time and the sudden, extreme feeling of expectation.

And now, how can I miss what has never existed."

Similar idea as the 'What If' MV.

Nothing much la. Just that I was going through my old LJ entries and this really spoke to me at this point.

Wake up in the morning feeling like a PA.

Now that i'm done with the things people have asked me to do, I can finally go out and do my own stuff.

Hopefully without getting more tasks on the way.

My August.

1 Aug - SCBE convocation performance
2 Aug - Soul Funky filming, poly friends dinner
3 Aug - Meeting with SY
4 Aug - Visiting NTUC colleagues, meeting with SY
5 Aug - J's filming
6 Aug - Leave for Bangkok
7 Aug - Bangkok
8 Aug - Return from Bangkok [morning]
9 Aug - Soul Funky rehearsal [night]
10 Aug - Soul Funky FOC, out with J, 3rd month :)
11 Aug - Soul Funky FOC
12 Aug - Soul Funky FOC
13 Aug - Soul Funky FOC
14 Aug - J
15 Aug - J
16 Aug - J
17 Aug -
18 Aug - Sending Rusty off
19 Aug - Lunch with Ruby, Poly friends dinner, movie with J
20 Aug - J
21 Aug - Leaving for Sipadan
22 Aug - Sipadan
23 Aug - Sipadan
24 Aug - Sipadan
25 Aug - Sipadan
26 Aug - Returning from Sipadan
27 Aug - House course
28 Aug - J's didi's birthday celebration
29 Aug - Meetup with babes