Learned helplessness.

"I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is be someone who can be loved. The rest is up to them."

Existence.

"If no one turned round when we entered, answered when we spoke, or minded what we did, but if every person 'cut us dead', and acted as if we were nonexisting things, a kind of rage and impotent despair would ere long well up in us, from which the cruellest bodily tortures would be a relief; for these [tortures] would make us feel that, however bad might be our plight, we had not sunk to such a depth as to be unworthy of attention at all." - William James, 1890 I am unworthy

Quotes from the past.

I was looking through a bit of my old stuff when I found this little notebook full of Chinese words in my own handwriting. Turns out I was writing down quotes from shows that I was watching years ago. I don't remember what shows they were though.

Here are some of the better ones.

- 我怕自己一旦依赖一个人，最后那个人还是离开。我不要伤心，我不要绝望。
- 我真的改变了吗？跟以前不同吗？改变了，便不是我了吗？是坏事吗？我... 后悔吗？
- 追求快乐是应该的，根本不需要找理由。
- 我不恐惧爱情，我恐惧的是爱太深了，以后带来的心碎。
- “我真的不知道世界上还有什么诺言是真的。” “但是你不能因为这个世界上那些伤害你的人而对其他人失去信心。” “那是因为你没有受过伤。”

Come to think about it.

I can't tell if I am happier now or at the beginning of the year.

Funny how that's a difficult choice to make, considering I was basically sinking into depression at the beginning of the year.

You cannot go back in time, even if you wish it with every fiber of your being, your heart and soul, even if you think about it every day. Trust me. I know.

Some alone time.

Thank you for calling/standing near me/being concerned. But I am not here right now. I am somewhere else. And you cannot reach me. Please leave me at the sound of the beep.

Oh, and to those who remembered my birthday yesterday, thank you.

Some time to myself.

The house is dark and empty, but I feel okay. An improvement from last time.

I chose to spend my free time reading old blog posts and IWTFY. And today, these are some of the IWTFY quotes that I really feel.

"And as we touch, I can never tell if you are touching me or I am touching you."

"I held on. Thank you."

"Get the bedding and the pillows. Get a mattress too (we'll need all the sheets in the house). We're going to build a fort. And it's only going to be big enough, for just me and you."

Just got reminded to go look in IMDb for the train quote from Inception. I also found this.

Ariadne: Why is it so important to dream?
Cobb: Because, in my dreams we are together.

Real.

"But really, all we want, and I speak for the entire human race here, is contact. Someone to let us know that we aren't alone. That the world isn't a dream and you and I really are happening at the same time, even if it's not in the same place. That this is real. You're really there. I'm really here. We're real.

This is real."

And this explains my life over the past few weeks. The need to be in constant contact with people. To be either texting or on the phone or with friends at every point in time. For fear of being alone.

Yet, you can have the entire world around you and still be completely alone.

I'm not emo-ing :) Just thinking.

Saturday noon.

Waiting for J to wake up. And while i'm at it, the other J [my brother] has entered my room because his is being cleaned by the cleaning lady, plopped onto my bed and fell asleep.

Gtfo -.-

Anyway. Just saw this on IWTFY.

"We can answer any question we have, like how do actors make themselves cry, so we never sit in wonder and wonder at the wonder of the world, anymore.

And anything we watch can be paused, so we never argue about what just happened while we were talking, anymore.

We cannot hope that we might have just missed their call, because our phones are always with us and if they didn't call, they didn't call.

No protests in the streets, just a button marked 'like'.

No one reads stories aloud, unless you are a child.

No letters. Just bills."

Sweet.

Saw a link to 6billionsecrets on Facebook by a friend. And was just looking through it while waiting for my hair to dry.

My hair is dry, and i'm still reading it.

"All I want is to wake up next to you every morning for the rest of my life. That's it."

Who I am.

I'm a picture without a frame.
A poem without a rhyme.
A car with three wheels.
A sun without fire.
I am a gun without bullets.
I am the truth without someone to hear it.
I am a feeling without someone to feel it.
This is who I am.
A mess without you.
Something beautiful with you.

-

It's interesting how sometimes when I read IWTFY posts, I don't understand at all, but when I read it at a different time, in a different mood, I find that it can reflect exactly how I feel. Beautiful.

From Fangqi's MSN nick.

"Tired of being in the unknown.... yet afraid of knowing the truth."

The burning.

My arms will be ready.

But why, Universe?

Why must I go through all that first? Why can't you just tell me now?

-

The damned weather makes me emo.

The Shawshank Redemption

Watched this yesterday. It's a super long show - worth a watch if you're patient enough. I was shown an extract of it once before; probably when I took Sociology in poly. It was about being institutionalized.

"Dear fellas, I can't believe how fast things move on the outside. I saw an automobile once when I was a kid, but now they're everywhere. The world went and got itself in a big damn hurry.

The parole board got me into this halfway house called "The Brewer" and a job bagging groceries at the Foodway. It's hard work and I try to keep up, but my hands hurt most of the time. I don't think the store manager likes me very much.

Sometimes after work, I go to the park and feed the birds. I keep thinking Jake might just show up and say hello, but he never does. I hope wherever he is, he's doin' okay and makin' new friends.

I have trouble sleepin' at night. I have bad dreams like I'm falling. I wake up scared. Sometimes it takes me a while to remember where I am. Maybe I should get me a gun and rob the Foodway so they'd send me home. I could shoot the manager while I was at it, sort of like a bonus.

I guess I'm too old for that sort of nonsense any more. I don't like it here. I'm tired of being afraid all the time. I've decided not to stay. I doubt they'll kick up any fuss. Not for an old crook like me." - Brooks

Spending a long time in anything builds these walls around you. You feel safe in them. Once you're out, that's when all the feelings of insecurity and fear start pouring in. Safety/security is a primary need in Maslow's heirarchy. You can hardly do anything else without it.
I wish I had someone to protect me.
We're moving into the fourth month of the year and i'm still, on occasion, an insecure, emotional mess. I'm okay most of the time. I just wish these emo episodes would stop occurring.
& I wish there was someone I could call mine.
"Let me tell you something my friend. Hope is a dangerous thing. Hope can drive a man insane." - Red
I don't know why it hurts.
It depends, doesn't it? If you're hoping for something that's possible to achieve yourself, then hope can be a huge motivation.
But it does.
But if you're hoping for something that isn't up to you. Yes. It can drive you insane.

Seen on a friend's Facebook status.

"At some point you will realize that you have done too much for someone or something, that the only next possible step to do is to stop. Leave them alone. Walk away. It’s not like you’re giving up, and it’s not like you shouldn’t try. It’s just that you have to draw the line of determination from desperation. What is truly yours would eventually be yours, and what is not, no matter how hard you try, will never be."

I Wrote This For You.

No, I didn't write this, but it's for you anyway.

"But if we kiss, it will end the world. And I've ended the world before. No one survived. Least of all me."

"Tell me one true, real thing that brings me to my fucking knees that I've never heard before and I'm yours."

"So if you can't stay, walk away slowly. Rip the plaster off bit by bit. Because I'd rather feel that than nothing at all."

"And there are thousands in the crowd outside everyday. And they love me. And I don't care. Because they're not you."

"Sometimes I touch the things you used to touch, looking for the echoes of your fingers."

"I let the clock face the mirror so that each second takes me closer towards you. Instead of further away."

"You can see the far blue edge of forever behind distant suns. Yet, nothing's that clear here, and I'm sitting right next to you."

"And if you can't say yes, answer anyway. Because I'd rather live with the answer than die with the question."

-

我只要想着你的时候 就有一种莫名的恐惧

只希望我们两个都可以被丢到外太空
然后很多事情就可以不用去想它

-

Just finished watching Momo Love.

For future reference.

Apologizing doesn't mean that you are wrong and the other person is right.

It just means that you value your relationship more than your ego.

I wrote this for you - The glitter phoenix burns again.

"I won't compose prose every morning you open your eyes next to me
(I won't compare you to a summer's day).

I won't kiss the tears from your cheeks whenever you cry.

I won't remember every appointment.

I won't keep the sheen on my armour.

I won't know what to say sometimes.

I won't get your order right.

I'll be late.

I'll fuck-up.

But I'll write something for you when you least expect it (in summer or winter).

But I'll hold you as tight as I can whenever I can.

But I'll burst through the door as soon as I remember.

But I'll polish it until it shines again.

But I'll say something anyway.

But I'll go back and make it right.

But I'll get there.

But I'll try. "

Today, I found something beautiful.

The Curious Case of Benjamin Button

"For what it's worth: it's never too late or, in my case, too early to be whoever you want to be. There's no time limit, stop whenever you want. You can change or stay the same, there are no rules to this thing. We can make the best or the worst of it. I hope you make the best of it. And I hope you see things that startle you. I hope you feel things you never felt before. I hope you meet people with a different point of view. I hope you live a life you're proud of. If you find that you're not, I hope you have the strength to start all over again." - Benjamin Button [in a letter to his daughter]

"Benjamin, we're meant to lose the people we love. How else would we know how important they are to us?" - Mrs. Maple

"Along the way you bump into people who make a dent on your life. Some people were born to sit by a river. Some get struck by lightning. Some have an ear for music. Some are artists. Some swim. Some know buttons. Some know Shakespeare. Some are mothers. And some people, dance. " - Benjamin Button



I love the movie. It tells so much about life, death, and perspective, through a whole random bunch of love, sex, war and lightning.

And Brad Pitt is HOT. [Only when he's playing the 40 to 30-year-old role.]