The future.

That same wave of dread that washed over me a few months ago just did again, after I realised how close I am to graduating. Throughout the entire semester, people have been asking me where i'm going after graduation. All of them are going to the Big 4. Me?

Yesterday I went back to TP with Yvonne to study. Dropping by to chat with the lecturers was just part of our routine. Naturally, they all had the same question for me - "Where are you going after graduation?"

And while telling my peers in school "I don't know" or "I haven't decided" is perfectly fine, I could see the disappointment in my old lecturers when I told them what I had been using as a defense each time people asked me what I wanted to do. No, apparently being young and wanting to try new things to find out what I like isn't really their favourite thing to hear.

I realise that there are actually so many things I want to do. Right now, i'm just feeling really pathetic, not knowing what i'm going to do the moment I walk out of my final exam venue one month later. Last semester, there was something I dreaded when I ended my exams. It seems like the same for this sem too.

I have that business that i've already [barely] started. The hard part still lies ahead of me. It makes me sad thinking about my peers all going for their well-deserved grad trips, while I have to save money for the business which i'm not even sure will breakeven, much less generate returns. Honestly, I don't have high hopes. But i'm going to try anyway. If I don't start now, I never will.

Another option I have is taking that interior design course at NAFA, which I heard about [and decided was a blessing] from a random acquaintance whom I haven't talked to in years. I just went to check it out. The application period is in May, for the intake in August. It's not a diploma like I thought it would be; only a certificate. And it's $1,300. I'm already in debt from my poly and uni tuition loans. It's giving me second thoughts as to whether I should even bother. Maybe I could just go work as an accountant in a small interior design firm?

If i'm really going to stay true to my heart, but only if I were able to disregard all else in my life, I would want to take my diving instructor licence [which is another few thousand dollars] then head overseas to work in some resort. But I can't. For so many reasons.

Or. I could dye my hair back to black, pretty much throw away whatever part of my life that isn't work, and go for an interview at one of the Big 4. Which I would have done if it were still a year and a half ago.

But i'm not going to give up just yet.

I'll be fine.

As above.

Things are fine.

You told me to go to sleep. That things would be okay when I woke up.

But all waking up did, was to bring the future closer.

Thoughts.

It just feels like i'm screwing everything up.

Been skipping lessons to study by myself, but it's not like i'm actually a lot more productive than if I had been in school. I'm procrastinating all the time, and i'm not proud of it. I'm just not motivated to do anything at all.

It's not that i'm not concerned over my future and what my grades in school directly affect. Ironically, that's probably the reason why i'm no longer motivated in my schoolwork.

I hate what i'm studying. I really don't want to be doing this all my life. Yes, i've spent the past 6 years of my life getting myself professionally trained in this field, and at the end of it, I realise that this isn't what I want to do after all. At the end of it, I realise that all I did was spend 6 years of my life on a backup plan.

But what is it that I want to do?

Honestly, i'm scared about my future. Compared to my peers, i'm pretty much a worthless piece of crap with no direction in life. I hate it whenever people ask me where i'm going. Almost everyone has a job waiting for them the moment they graduate.

Some of my friends tell me not to worry, and that i'll definitely find a job since I have a diploma and a degree. Yeah, but that's not what i'm worried about. I'm pretty much guaranteed a 8 to 6 office job where i'll spend the rest of my life crunching numbers in a corner of the office. I'll definitely earn enough to get by.

But I know I won't be happy.

Cool. Somewhat.

Okay so something really scary happened just now.

J was driving back from school when some weird grinding/crunching noises started coming from the car. We had heard them earlier on when we went out to JP for lunch but ignored them. On the way back from lunch the car had started to overheat but was fine because we weren't going very fast nor far away.

This time we were on the PIE and the noises started happening again, along with the overheating. They were getting increasingly frequent even though we slowed the car down. It came to a point when the sound just wouldn't stop, and the message thingy on the car actually went into emergency mode and said, "STOP!"

Scary can. J pulled over at the road shoulder and when we stopped, the engine was spewing smoke and some liquid was spilling out from the bottom of the car. We quickly got out of the car and tried to call for help. Honestly I was panicking so much I was close to tears. I mean, we were in the middle of an expressway at 11pm with a smoking car that had stuff leaking out of it, and neither of us knew what to do.

To cut things short we eventually got a tow truck and it sent us to somewhere near the car repair place. Took a cab back from there.

Kinda cool thinking about it now. Only because we're safely home and all. But yeah :)

-

So it turns out that the water tank was loose. There we go.

The future is...

So yesterday I was having breakfast with my AA306 group members and they were mentioning how they were keeping their recess week free so that they could go for job interviews. Besides that, ever since school started, classmates have been asking me whether i've gone for so-and-so career talks and it seems like i'm the only one in the world who hasn't gone for any.

I don't know whether to say i'm worried about my future or not. While it appears like I don't care [if I did, I would've at least read the emails regarding the career talks], i'm pretty much freaking out.

As i've been telling everyone who asked, I don't exactly want to follow the normal track of Accountancy grads and head to the Big 4 the moment I graduate. I don't exactly think it's the best idea devoting the best years of my life to working till 2am every day and having to tolerate the temper of old cranky accountants.

But it's not like there's a lot else I can do. It's not like I want to bum around and live on someone else's income for the rest of my life. I just want to do something that I actually enjoy.

I felt kinda relieved when another group member said he wasn't planning on following the normal path either. Until he told me how he had been investing for years and was already self-sufficient from working from home.

I only have a year left before i'm on my own.

I'm fucked, aren't I?

Ah.

Realised that I have an irrational fear of goodbyes.

-

Had a happy day again today :) Went to meet J at Thecret Thkillth, had dinner at Thubway and then watched J and Derick work out before we left to catch a movie. It wath a thatithfying evening. More or lethh.

I thould thleep now.

Yeth. Thith potht therveth no other purpothe bethideth to annoy the thit out of you.

Nightmares.

I slept at about 5 expecting to wake up really late because I was damn tired.

First I woke up at 7 plus because of a stomachache. Went back to sleep. Woke up again at 8 plus because of a nightmare. Cried. Went back to sleep. And now, I just woke up because of another nightmare. I'm getting a little tired of crying.

I dreamt I was in my room and waking up. It was dark already and I was shocked that I had slept in till so late. I got up and tried to find out the time. I can't remember what exactly happened in sequence; I just know I was just trying to get out of my room and was really afraid. Phone disappeared. Doorknob disintegrated when I tried to open the door. You know. Nightmarish stuff.

And I was just screaming, "Mummy, mummy, please help me!" But there was no voice.

It may seem silly to you. But you don't know how afraid I am of being abandoned/alone.

Object permanence.

Is it possible to combine Jean Piaget's cognitive development theory and Sigmund Freud's fixation? Okay, of course not. Unless your brain is damaged or something. But here's the idea of object permanence.

"The sensorimotor stage in a child is from birth to approximately two years. During this stage, a child has relatively little competence in representing the environment using images, language, or symbols. An infant has no awareness of objects or people that are not immediately present at a given moment. Piaget called this a lack of object permanence. Object permanence is the awareness that objects and people continue to exist even if they are out of sight. In infants, when a person hides, the infant has no knowledge that they are just out of sight. According to Piaget, this person or object that has disappeared is gone forever to the infant."

Life must've been really scary when we were babies. Funny how I can relate to that feeling now. Not literally, of course.

Fear of abandonment/loss/loneliness.

-

First time in a very long while [probably years] that I woke up from a nightmare.

I don't like nightmares.

-

4 5683 968.

& you said the reason why I was so afraid of losing this was because I gave up too much for this.

I said I had nothing else left to lose.

Except this. Except you.

这就是我的报应.

Made to face my greatest fear.

Loneliness.

The Train After Dinner.

I remember the weekends I used to send you all the way to Boon Lay when you booked in. We would have dinner before you boarded the cab and went to camp. I would watch as your cab turned the corner, then walk back to the train station alone, trying not to cry. Every single week.

The train rides after dinner were particularly cold. People were strange and scary. I hated it.

Now I know, I just hated that you weren't there with me.

http://pleasefindthis.blogspot.com/2009/10/train-after-dinner.html

Phobias

Don't go.

Some people were fiddling around with Youtube during the break in our lesson this morning. It nearly made me cry in class. Not that the song really applies to me or anything.

Each time you leave, i'm afraid i won't see you until god-knows-when, and yet i can't bring myself to say even a simple goodbye.

Fear.

Okay so Limin has done a post on phobias before, but i feel compelled to do one now as well, partly because i'm studying for Psych and have to touch on phobias a little. And also because the ones that i'm posting are interesting [i'd say funny, but it really isn't funny for the person who has it].

Here they are :) [http://phobialist.com]

Arachibutyrophobia - Fear of peanut butter sticking to the roof of the mouth.
Asymmetriphobia - Fear of asymmetrical things.
Chrometophobia or Chrematophobia- Fear of money.
Euphobia - Fear of hearing good news.
Geliophobia - Fear of laughter.
Genuphobia - Fear of knees.
Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia - Fear of long words. [my favourite irony]
Levophobia - Fear of things to the left side of the body.
Panophobia or Pantophobia - Fear of everything.

Ones i may have =/

Automatonophobia - Fear of ventriloquist's dummies, animatronic creatures, wax statues - anything that falsely represents a sentient being.
Katsaridaphobia - Fear of cockroaches.
Monophobia - Fear of solitude or being alone.

Oh by the way, in case you haven't noticed, one of my usernames is 'decidophobic' :) But not really la. Maybe last time. Lol.

Thank you Boy :)

I am probably the luckiest person alive. If it wasn't for KS, i'd spend 3 damned nights crying alone at home.

Then again, i did spend the 3 nights crying. But at least he was there with me.

First night he stayed over. Second i stayed over at his place. Today wasn't supposed to be anything, but he agreed to stay over again because he didn't want me to be lonely [and also because i was on the verge of tears, again].

I actually already know that i really really hate being the only one at home, because of how much i detest it when i wake up/return home and no one else is around. I just didn't know it'd be this bad such that i'd freak out and cry. Thanks Boy for being there [or actually here] with me.