Oh no :(

So demoralized.

Just wanna run away.

累了.

I can't remember the last time I did something purely for myself. Without consideration for someone else. It's really like i'm living my life for someone else now. Such that if everything ends, I don't even have myself to fall back on.

Given too much, yet can't seem to stop.

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Getting stressed very easily nowadays. Every little thing seems to add on to my frustration really quickly. What with exams coming, a project that i'm not very good at and my group is probably going to mark me down, relationship pressures [not problems, mind; more like having to spend time with the J-saur and helping out with his stuff/being engaged in some of his family matters] and other stressors here and there.

Tiring.

Hide and seek.

You can tell how people view a relationship and how much they value it by looking at what they bother telling the world and what they don't.

There are the people who are constantly telling the world how happy they are in their relationship. Sometimes to the point that it annoys people. Silly little happy things. Big things that are worth celebration. Funny things. Mundane things. Everything. But when they're upset about it, only a selected few will know. Best friends. A secret Twitter or a secret blog. Or a good night's sleep to forget it all.

Then, there are the people who never make a sound about anything happy.

But when they're upset about the relationship, the whole world has to know.

Here's the proof.

"But physiological tests now suggest that women have a greater tolerance for pain, and statistics reveal that women live longer and are more resistant to many diseases."

Will add more if I come across any.

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Oh yes, and while i'm on the topic of males and females, here's something that I've been saying for a while already. John Gray may have written a good book, but he's still male after all.

Or maybe i'm just too feminist for it ;)

Feelings.

Helpless, inferior, stressed, despair.

Yeah that pretty much sums it up.

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Thursday
- AA301 presentation
- AA301 report corporate governance

Friday
- Do HS101 report
- Do up AB311 presentation slides

Saturday
- AB311 meeting 10am NTU

Sunday
- HS101 meeting 10am City Hall Starbucks

Monday
- Prepare AB311 presentation

Tuesday
- AB311 presentation

Wednesday
- HS101 presentation

Things in life.

Some things can be picked back up after you've thrown them away. Some things can be fixed after you screw them up. Some things can be restored to near-perfect condition after you fix them.

And some things, can't.

Not everything allows a second chance.

Even fewer, allow a third.

Learned helplessness.

"I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is be someone who can be loved. The rest is up to them."

Fuuuuuuck.



The future.

That same wave of dread that washed over me a few months ago just did again, after I realised how close I am to graduating. Throughout the entire semester, people have been asking me where i'm going after graduation. All of them are going to the Big 4. Me?

Yesterday I went back to TP with Yvonne to study. Dropping by to chat with the lecturers was just part of our routine. Naturally, they all had the same question for me - "Where are you going after graduation?"

And while telling my peers in school "I don't know" or "I haven't decided" is perfectly fine, I could see the disappointment in my old lecturers when I told them what I had been using as a defense each time people asked me what I wanted to do. No, apparently being young and wanting to try new things to find out what I like isn't really their favourite thing to hear.

I realise that there are actually so many things I want to do. Right now, i'm just feeling really pathetic, not knowing what i'm going to do the moment I walk out of my final exam venue one month later. Last semester, there was something I dreaded when I ended my exams. It seems like the same for this sem too.

I have that business that i've already [barely] started. The hard part still lies ahead of me. It makes me sad thinking about my peers all going for their well-deserved grad trips, while I have to save money for the business which i'm not even sure will breakeven, much less generate returns. Honestly, I don't have high hopes. But i'm going to try anyway. If I don't start now, I never will.

Another option I have is taking that interior design course at NAFA, which I heard about [and decided was a blessing] from a random acquaintance whom I haven't talked to in years. I just went to check it out. The application period is in May, for the intake in August. It's not a diploma like I thought it would be; only a certificate. And it's $1,300. I'm already in debt from my poly and uni tuition loans. It's giving me second thoughts as to whether I should even bother. Maybe I could just go work as an accountant in a small interior design firm?

If i'm really going to stay true to my heart, but only if I were able to disregard all else in my life, I would want to take my diving instructor licence [which is another few thousand dollars] then head overseas to work in some resort. But I can't. For so many reasons.

Or. I could dye my hair back to black, pretty much throw away whatever part of my life that isn't work, and go for an interview at one of the Big 4. Which I would have done if it were still a year and a half ago.

But i'm not going to give up just yet.

What are words.

What are words if you really don't mean them when you say them?