I have shifted.

Here.

Goodbye Blogger.

You've been a great friend to me the past three years. I'll keep you around and hopefully one day, several years from now, i'll discover you again and be reminded of who I was.

Thanks.

Yeah. That's how I felt.

So I wasn't making that much of a fuss last time,

Was I? :)

You're welcome.

Reminiscence.

For the past few days, J and I have been trying to find our old identities. This was triggered by the discovery of my old fanfic from back in 2003. I've been trying to find other things such as my old blogs, but no success. I can't remember what aliases I used back then.

Logged into my old Friendster account though. Read some of the testimonials I had. This was back in 2004. Back when I was "Slashy".

(=)

Why i'm doing what i'm doing.

So i've been surfing job websites almost everyday, carefully sifting out those that look interesting to me [therefore, not accounting] and sending my resume out. A lot of them call back and ask me, "So you just graduated with a degree? Why aren't you looking for a permanent job?"

And also, "Why a job of this nature, that has nothing to do with accountancy?"

My answers, which I keep short for the sake of the phone calls/interviews, are usually along the lines of, "I want to try out something different for a while." I've elaborated this to one interviewer before. I don't want to spend my entire life stuck to a deskbound job in an office and watch my ass grow bigger each day. It used to be important to me that I collected a ton of experience in a field in which I was good at, that I needed to have a stable and secure future, but is that what I really want at the end of the day?

I look at my resume and cringe at the ton of audit/accounting-related jobs on them. That's essentially all of them in the past 6 or so years of my life. If i'm just going to add on to them now, what else would I be able to do in the future if I want to be something else?

Of course, people have also been telling me to go and work, like in a bank or something that pays well, save up, then go on and have fun next time. What, when i'm 35 and lugging two kids around? Or when i'm 50 and limping?

It's not society's concept of a proper route in life, and probably for a good reason, in a society that focuses so much on earning money and starting a family and having a stable life. It's stressful trying to do something different, looking around and seeing people going on grad trips knowing that they've already secured a job so they'll be earning back what they spent in Europe/Australia/USA/Taiwan/etc. I'm stuck in Singapore searching for jobs that I would enjoy. As time goes on and desperation kicks in, my lack of income may possibly result in me being an accounts assistant in a small firm anyway.

Is it worth it? I really hope it is.

I would say today was a productive day.

Woke up in the morning hugging a Boo. Slept for like 10 hours; it was great.

Went to his grandparents' for lunch as usual. Grandma told me Grandpa said he hadn't seen me in ages, even though it's really only been two weeks. I feel so loved ^^ After that we followed Mervyn to Orchard to watch him busk for a while before coming home for dinner. On the way home we dropped by Ion to see if we could get any makeup products for J. There were some awkward moments at Body Shop before we decided to go to Daiso instead.

Right now as i'm typing this I have a mask on. This is after nosestrips, which was after dinner while watching Improvaganza, which was after dyeing J's hair blue. Yes, directly from red. So now his hair is reddish from some angles, and blue from others. From far it's just black though. Think he has managed to have a different hair colour every episode of his show so far.

So yeah it's pretty productive. We're going over to his place after the mask for him to film and other stuff. I'll probably be continuing my job search. Money. I need it.

My face is stiffening up right now.

Reaching out.

Ask and you shall be given.

I'm sick of asking. If you really wanted to spend more time with me, you would offer so yourself. Why does it have to be me that asks for it? It's as though you don't even care whether I'm going to be there or not; like my presence is negligible - good to have, but not exactly something you want or need.

You say you give me liberty and whatever I ask, you'll do. But you know how pathetic it is to always be the one asking, begging, pleading?

I'm sorry, but even though I may desperately desire it, I can't stand constantly feeling like shit being the one who's on my knees begging all the time.

-

Why can't everything just be okay?

I guess it will after I cry myself to sleep.

Again.