Wednesday, May 25, 2011
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
Fuck.
Today I have managed to screw up at least a bit in everything I did.
This is the second blog post i'm writing today. Both times, I have managed to accidentally push my mouse aside to mouseover the 'show desktop' button which makes my IE window disappear. While this causes no harm at all, and possibly only half a second of my time, it annoys me to no end considering that I have succeeded in doing this 2 out of 2 times when I never do this on a usual basis at all.
I decided to wash the dishes. Simple task, really. I did it so I could feel at least a little useful. Yet I can let soap water run down my arm while trying to put the dishes back up on the rack. Again, I don't usually do this.
Stitched a small felt plush donut this morning. It took me ages, the thread slipped out of the needle twice, knots appeared where they weren't supposed to, I realised how I should have done it in a much more efficient way only after I was halfway done, and the final result looks ugly.
Get kicked on L4D2.
I hate how my life recently just seems so full of fail. I wish I could just pick myself back up like I used to be able to do, but it's difficult when I screw up even the simplest of things.
Just ignore this. Srsly. Because if you're going to question me on this rant, you're only going to add on to my list of FMLs when I realise i'm so bad at talking I can't even explain things to you.
This is the second blog post i'm writing today. Both times, I have managed to accidentally push my mouse aside to mouseover the 'show desktop' button which makes my IE window disappear. While this causes no harm at all, and possibly only half a second of my time, it annoys me to no end considering that I have succeeded in doing this 2 out of 2 times when I never do this on a usual basis at all.
I decided to wash the dishes. Simple task, really. I did it so I could feel at least a little useful. Yet I can let soap water run down my arm while trying to put the dishes back up on the rack. Again, I don't usually do this.
Stitched a small felt plush donut this morning. It took me ages, the thread slipped out of the needle twice, knots appeared where they weren't supposed to, I realised how I should have done it in a much more efficient way only after I was halfway done, and the final result looks ugly.
Get kicked on L4D2.
I hate how my life recently just seems so full of fail. I wish I could just pick myself back up like I used to be able to do, but it's difficult when I screw up even the simplest of things.
Just ignore this. Srsly. Because if you're going to question me on this rant, you're only going to add on to my list of FMLs when I realise i'm so bad at talking I can't even explain things to you.
Why you don't play team games with better people.
It's impossible to learn.
As usual I was playing L4D2 versus online. And of course, me being the n00b I am, wasn't doing a fantastic job.
Person X: Hey u ok? U ok?
Me: I'm just kinda new at this game.
Person X: U need to go hospital?
Me: To cure what, your sarcasm?
Game carried on. Did some okay things. Did some not okay things. It wasn't even like they were doling out instructions, just carried on like it was expected that everyone would know what everyone else was thinking. So I just went on doing the things that I thought were appropriate. Hospital-guy continued going on about the hospital thing, and at one point shot me till I died.
Eventually I got kicked. What a waste of time. The only thing I learnt from that is that even though you can be nice, apologize and everything, some people are just dickheads.
Should probably download MapleStory again.
As usual I was playing L4D2 versus online. And of course, me being the n00b I am, wasn't doing a fantastic job.
Person X: Hey u ok? U ok?
Me: I'm just kinda new at this game.
Person X: U need to go hospital?
Me: To cure what, your sarcasm?
Game carried on. Did some okay things. Did some not okay things. It wasn't even like they were doling out instructions, just carried on like it was expected that everyone would know what everyone else was thinking. So I just went on doing the things that I thought were appropriate. Hospital-guy continued going on about the hospital thing, and at one point shot me till I died.
Eventually I got kicked. What a waste of time. The only thing I learnt from that is that even though you can be nice, apologize and everything, some people are just dickheads.
Should probably download MapleStory again.
Monday, May 16, 2011
I never learn.
For some reason every time I think it's going to be something good, I always end up feeling like shit.
Always.
Always.
Sunday, May 15, 2011
Down, down, down, down, down.
I realised my self-esteem hit a new all-time low yesterday when I sat in a corner in Dbl O for Dance Meets: Funk Sessions Vol. 1 yesterday watching the dancers, and felt like crying. No, not because I was nostalgic. No, not because I was alone.
It was because I felt inferior to the small/cute or tall/skinny/hot girls there. Particularly when the emcee commented, "Omgosh, so cute!" at one of the girl lockers. I agree that she's cute. I'm not jealous. I'm envious, because i'll never be like them.
It never used to matter to me that I wasn't small or cute, that my boobs weren't big enough, that I didn't know how to put on makeup like those Taiwanese girls who turn into someone else when they do. It didn't seem to matter to the people around me. And at least I was good at the things that I did, and I knew it.
Not anymore. It's hard enough having to meet my preset expectations of being competent, while taking part in activities that i'm inferior in. It's worse when the people around me just help to prove that i'm not.
It's been a long time since i've heard, "You're good at..." Or, "That was awesome."
Instead of, "If only you..." or "That's fine, but..."
Or maybe i'm just PMS-ing.
-
My self-deprecating mind reminds me that someone's just gonna come along and call me a fool for feeling this way anyway.
-
I need to go and do something that i'm good in. Where people don't look down on me.
It was because I felt inferior to the small/cute or tall/skinny/hot girls there. Particularly when the emcee commented, "Omgosh, so cute!" at one of the girl lockers. I agree that she's cute. I'm not jealous. I'm envious, because i'll never be like them.
It never used to matter to me that I wasn't small or cute, that my boobs weren't big enough, that I didn't know how to put on makeup like those Taiwanese girls who turn into someone else when they do. It didn't seem to matter to the people around me. And at least I was good at the things that I did, and I knew it.
Not anymore. It's hard enough having to meet my preset expectations of being competent, while taking part in activities that i'm inferior in. It's worse when the people around me just help to prove that i'm not.
It's been a long time since i've heard, "You're good at..." Or, "That was awesome."
Instead of, "If only you..." or "That's fine, but..."
Or maybe i'm just PMS-ing.
-
My self-deprecating mind reminds me that someone's just gonna come along and call me a fool for feeling this way anyway.
-
I need to go and do something that i'm good in. Where people don't look down on me.
Saturday, May 14, 2011
Sometimes, all you need.
Today, I went for dinner with my poly friends. Only 3 of us turned up, but I guess it was good enough. Chatted a bit with Yuxiu after Yvonne left. I'll meet her for lunch again sometime soon, even though it's pretty far away. And will probably meet Von for Kbox soon too :)
Came home and decided to go on MSN to catch up with people I haven't talked to in a while. Chatted with Lydon, Tee Wee, Yen Leong, Wei Huang, Hannah and Ruby on MSN and Whatsapp. It's nice to chat with them again, and it also feels nice to be a listening ear rather than need one.
Also made plans with Quil/Brain, Elin/Crunchy and the Soul Funky OGs :D
This came as a much-needed reminder that I still have a life outside of what I was living. I guess i've just spent too long making myself readily available all the time. So often I find myself staying at home rotting, just in case I get mobilized. Was that worth it? I don't know. I'm just thankful my friends didn't decide to ditch me because of what I did.
Guys, you think having a recall period for NS is bad? Trying being a girl in love.
Came home and decided to go on MSN to catch up with people I haven't talked to in a while. Chatted with Lydon, Tee Wee, Yen Leong, Wei Huang, Hannah and Ruby on MSN and Whatsapp. It's nice to chat with them again, and it also feels nice to be a listening ear rather than need one.
Also made plans with Quil/Brain, Elin/Crunchy and the Soul Funky OGs :D
This came as a much-needed reminder that I still have a life outside of what I was living. I guess i've just spent too long making myself readily available all the time. So often I find myself staying at home rotting, just in case I get mobilized. Was that worth it? I don't know. I'm just thankful my friends didn't decide to ditch me because of what I did.
Guys, you think having a recall period for NS is bad? Trying being a girl in love.
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