For the past five years i've tried to make everything right for you on your birthday.
I can't anymore.
-
过去的一个月 有多难受 我也哭不出来。就因为这几年一直有你守护着 所以也只有你 才能看到我最脆弱的一面。
I'll always miss how you hold me tight, kiss my tears away, and tell me everything's going to be alright.
Especially now when it's not.
Sunday, January 31, 2010
Saturday, January 30, 2010
I love Uni.
Saturday
3pm: Meet Soul Funky at Jurong Point
~7pm: Performance for Indo Night
10pm: Online meeting for AA205
Sunday
11am: Meeting for AB112 [hopefully won't take up whole day]
Monday
If unfortunately AB112 does take up the whole day and more, or if AA205 desperately requires another meeting [I foresee it happening], there goes my Monday. Hooopefully Soul Funky won't have another rehearsal. But we might have to mark the stage. Gah.
...Omg I forgot Soul Funky's formal training.
Tuesday
12.30pm: Meeting for AA205
1.30pm: Excuse myself for 15 minutes to go do EEE Week performance
Other than that it's a full day from 8.30am to 4.30pm.
PA application deadline on 31 Jan. Marketing case presentation on 4 Feb and maybe if we're suay, AA202 as well. Cover letter/CV submission by 5 Feb. iCEE proposal submission on 10 Feb.
Whateverthefuckyou'retryingtodo,Idon'tappreciateit.
Okay. After this week. [Exact same thing I told myself last year... for many weeks].
3pm: Meet Soul Funky at Jurong Point
~7pm: Performance for Indo Night
10pm: Online meeting for AA205
Sunday
11am: Meeting for AB112 [hopefully won't take up whole day]
Monday
If unfortunately AB112 does take up the whole day and more, or if AA205 desperately requires another meeting [I foresee it happening], there goes my Monday. Hooopefully Soul Funky won't have another rehearsal. But we might have to mark the stage. Gah.
...Omg I forgot Soul Funky's formal training.
Tuesday
12.30pm: Meeting for AA205
1.30pm: Excuse myself for 15 minutes to go do EEE Week performance
Other than that it's a full day from 8.30am to 4.30pm.
PA application deadline on 31 Jan. Marketing case presentation on 4 Feb and maybe if we're suay, AA202 as well. Cover letter/CV submission by 5 Feb. iCEE proposal submission on 10 Feb.
Whateverthefuckyou'retryingtodo,Idon'tappreciateit.
Okay. After this week. [Exact same thing I told myself last year... for many weeks].
Friday, January 29, 2010
The clear night sky. The stars shining bright.
Mom sent me this.
"During one of our seminars, a woman asked a common question. She said, "How do I know if I married the right person?" I noticed that there was a large man sitting next to her so I said, "It depends. Is that your husband?" In all seriousness, she answered "How do you know?" Let me answer this question because the chances are good that it's weighing on your mind.
Here's the answer.
EVERY relationship has a cycle. In the beginning, you fell in love. With your spouse. You anticipated their call, wanted their touch, and liked their idiosyncrasies. Falling in love with your spouse wasn't hard. In fact, it was a completely natural and spontaneous experience. You didn't have to DO anything. That's why it's called "falling" in love... Because it's happening TO YOU. People in love sometimes say, "I was swept off my feet." Think about the imagery of that expression. It implies that you were just standing there; doing nothing, and then something came along and happened TO YOU. Falling in love is easy. It's a passive and spontaneous experience.
But after a few years of marriage, the euphoria of love fades. It's the natural cycle of EVERY relationship. Slowly but surely, phone calls become a bother (if they come at all), touch is not always welcome (when it happens), and your spouse's idiosyncrasies, instead of being cute, drive you nuts. The symptoms of this stage vary with every relationship, but if you think about your marriage, you will notice a dramatic difference between the initial stage when you were in love and a much duller or even angry subsequent stage.
At this point, you and/or your spouse might start asking, "Did I marry the right person?" And as you and your spouse reflect on the euphoria of the love you once had, you may begin to desire that experience with someone else. This is when marriages breakdown. People blame their spouse for their unhappiness and look outside their marriage for fulfillment.
Extramarital fulfillment comes in all shapes and sizes. Infidelity is the most obvious. But sometimes people turn to work, a hobby, a friendship, excessive TV, or abusive substances. But the answer to this dilemma does NOT lie outside your marriage. It lies within it. I'm not saying that you couldn't fall in love with someone else. You could. And TEMPORARILY you'd feel better. But you'd be in the same situation a few years later.
Because (listen carefully to this):
THE KEY TO SUCCEEDING IN MARRIAGE IS NOT FINDING THE RIGHT PERSON; IT'S LEARNING TO LOVE THE PERSON YOU FOUND. SUSTAINING love is not a passive or spontaneous experience. It'll NEVER just happen to you. You can't "find" LASTING love. You have to make" it day in and day out. That's why we have the expression "the labor of love." Because it takes time, effort, and energy, And most importantly, it takes WISDOM . You have to know WHAT TO DO to make your marriage work.
Make no mistake about it. Love is NOT a mystery. There are specific things you can do (with or without your spouse) to succeed with your marriage. Just as there are physical laws of the universe (such as gravity), there are also laws for relationships. Just as the right diet and exercise program makes you physically stronger, certain habits in your relationship WILL make your marriage stronger. It's a direct cause and effect. If you know and apply the laws, the results are predictable... you can "make" love work.
Love in marriage is indeed a "decision"... Not just a feeling."
-
I don't miss you. I miss the feeling of security you gave me. I miss knowing that there's always someone there, no matter what happens to me. I didn't expect you to do everything for me, but it was nice knowing there was someone willing to... and who proved it.
I don't think i'll ever find anyone else whose life revolved around me as much as you.
But I guess we didn't work hard enough. Or at least, we didn't work right.
"During one of our seminars, a woman asked a common question. She said, "How do I know if I married the right person?" I noticed that there was a large man sitting next to her so I said, "It depends. Is that your husband?" In all seriousness, she answered "How do you know?" Let me answer this question because the chances are good that it's weighing on your mind.
Here's the answer.
EVERY relationship has a cycle. In the beginning, you fell in love. With your spouse. You anticipated their call, wanted their touch, and liked their idiosyncrasies. Falling in love with your spouse wasn't hard. In fact, it was a completely natural and spontaneous experience. You didn't have to DO anything. That's why it's called "falling" in love... Because it's happening TO YOU. People in love sometimes say, "I was swept off my feet." Think about the imagery of that expression. It implies that you were just standing there; doing nothing, and then something came along and happened TO YOU. Falling in love is easy. It's a passive and spontaneous experience.
But after a few years of marriage, the euphoria of love fades. It's the natural cycle of EVERY relationship. Slowly but surely, phone calls become a bother (if they come at all), touch is not always welcome (when it happens), and your spouse's idiosyncrasies, instead of being cute, drive you nuts. The symptoms of this stage vary with every relationship, but if you think about your marriage, you will notice a dramatic difference between the initial stage when you were in love and a much duller or even angry subsequent stage.
At this point, you and/or your spouse might start asking, "Did I marry the right person?" And as you and your spouse reflect on the euphoria of the love you once had, you may begin to desire that experience with someone else. This is when marriages breakdown. People blame their spouse for their unhappiness and look outside their marriage for fulfillment.
Extramarital fulfillment comes in all shapes and sizes. Infidelity is the most obvious. But sometimes people turn to work, a hobby, a friendship, excessive TV, or abusive substances. But the answer to this dilemma does NOT lie outside your marriage. It lies within it. I'm not saying that you couldn't fall in love with someone else. You could. And TEMPORARILY you'd feel better. But you'd be in the same situation a few years later.
Because (listen carefully to this):
THE KEY TO SUCCEEDING IN MARRIAGE IS NOT FINDING THE RIGHT PERSON; IT'S LEARNING TO LOVE THE PERSON YOU FOUND. SUSTAINING love is not a passive or spontaneous experience. It'll NEVER just happen to you. You can't "find" LASTING love. You have to make" it day in and day out. That's why we have the expression "the labor of love." Because it takes time, effort, and energy, And most importantly, it takes WISDOM . You have to know WHAT TO DO to make your marriage work.
Make no mistake about it. Love is NOT a mystery. There are specific things you can do (with or without your spouse) to succeed with your marriage. Just as there are physical laws of the universe (such as gravity), there are also laws for relationships. Just as the right diet and exercise program makes you physically stronger, certain habits in your relationship WILL make your marriage stronger. It's a direct cause and effect. If you know and apply the laws, the results are predictable... you can "make" love work.
Love in marriage is indeed a "decision"... Not just a feeling."
-
I don't miss you. I miss the feeling of security you gave me. I miss knowing that there's always someone there, no matter what happens to me. I didn't expect you to do everything for me, but it was nice knowing there was someone willing to... and who proved it.
I don't think i'll ever find anyone else whose life revolved around me as much as you.
But I guess we didn't work hard enough. Or at least, we didn't work right.
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
Sunday, January 24, 2010
I Wrote This For You.
No, I didn't write this, but it's for you anyway.
"But if we kiss, it will end the world. And I've ended the world before. No one survived. Least of all me."
"Tell me one true, real thing that brings me to my fucking knees that I've never heard before and I'm yours."
"So if you can't stay, walk away slowly. Rip the plaster off bit by bit. Because I'd rather feel that than nothing at all."
"And there are thousands in the crowd outside everyday. And they love me. And I don't care. Because they're not you."
"Sometimes I touch the things you used to touch, looking for the echoes of your fingers."
"I let the clock face the mirror so that each second takes me closer towards you. Instead of further away."
"You can see the far blue edge of forever behind distant suns. Yet, nothing's that clear here, and I'm sitting right next to you."
"And if you can't say yes, answer anyway. Because I'd rather live with the answer than die with the question."
"But if we kiss, it will end the world. And I've ended the world before. No one survived. Least of all me."
"Tell me one true, real thing that brings me to my fucking knees that I've never heard before and I'm yours."
"So if you can't stay, walk away slowly. Rip the plaster off bit by bit. Because I'd rather feel that than nothing at all."
"And there are thousands in the crowd outside everyday. And they love me. And I don't care. Because they're not you."
"Sometimes I touch the things you used to touch, looking for the echoes of your fingers."
"I let the clock face the mirror so that each second takes me closer towards you. Instead of further away."
"You can see the far blue edge of forever behind distant suns. Yet, nothing's that clear here, and I'm sitting right next to you."
"And if you can't say yes, answer anyway. Because I'd rather live with the answer than die with the question."
Saturday, January 23, 2010
If We Hold On Together
I just randomly remembered this song.
Now I wanna watch the Land Before Time again =/
-
Grandma told Mom to change the water for this every day. Mom asked, "Do I have to feed them too?" -___________-
Friday, January 22, 2010
It feels like...
...even if it would lead to a horrible and painful outcome, I still want to make that leap.You are the mistake I want to make. The crime I want to commit. The pain I want to feel.
Thursday, January 21, 2010
Tired.
I don't know how I managed to survive the month.
It's either i've stretched my physical, mental and emotional limits, or they're all just numb to me already.
I'm too tired to care about anything right now.
Edit: I guess i've just reached my exploding point.
Haven't cried so much since 271209. The loneliness really sucks. Coupled with exhaustion, it just really makes me feel like giving up on everything.
It's either i've stretched my physical, mental and emotional limits, or they're all just numb to me already.
I'm too tired to care about anything right now.
Edit: I guess i've just reached my exploding point.
Haven't cried so much since 271209. The loneliness really sucks. Coupled with exhaustion, it just really makes me feel like giving up on everything.
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
Prisoner's Dilemma
So we were demonstrating the game theory in class today. Each person was required to choose either 6 or 9 points. The rules were:
1. If <10% of the class chooses 9, then people who choose 9 will get 9 participation points and people who choose 6 will get 6 participation points.
2. If >10% of the class chooses 9, then everyone gets no points.
3. Anonymity.
4. No communication/collusion.
If you understand the game theory, you'll realise there are a few schools of thought.
People will choose 9 because if they do, they have nothing to lose. If they're lucky and <10% chooses 9, then they get 9 points and are better off than everyone else - it's anonymous anyway and no one knows which selfish bugger was the one who did. If not, then no one gets anything and they still don't lose out.
People will choose 6 because hopefully at least 90% of the rest of us choose 6, so that we can all get participation points. Doesn't matter if they lose out by 3 points to some people, at least everyone gets points. Apparently, this is the 'greater good' choice.
9 was never a choice for me. I never even realised the rationale for people choosing 9 until it was explained after the whole thing.
The results were exactly 50-50.
We also discussed ethical issues and this came up - "Do what you want, just don't get caught." I'm guessing this is what goes through the mind of those who chose 9. Since it was anonymous, reputation etc didn't matter. But for me, even if I don't get caught, my conscience will bug me to no end.
Sometimes I wish I had less morals.
But hey, I think i'm on the way there.
1. If <10% of the class chooses 9, then people who choose 9 will get 9 participation points and people who choose 6 will get 6 participation points.
2. If >10% of the class chooses 9, then everyone gets no points.
3. Anonymity.
4. No communication/collusion.
If you understand the game theory, you'll realise there are a few schools of thought.
People will choose 9 because if they do, they have nothing to lose. If they're lucky and <10% chooses 9, then they get 9 points and are better off than everyone else - it's anonymous anyway and no one knows which selfish bugger was the one who did. If not, then no one gets anything and they still don't lose out.
People will choose 6 because hopefully at least 90% of the rest of us choose 6, so that we can all get participation points. Doesn't matter if they lose out by 3 points to some people, at least everyone gets points. Apparently, this is the 'greater good' choice.
9 was never a choice for me. I never even realised the rationale for people choosing 9 until it was explained after the whole thing.
The results were exactly 50-50.
We also discussed ethical issues and this came up - "Do what you want, just don't get caught." I'm guessing this is what goes through the mind of those who chose 9. Since it was anonymous, reputation etc didn't matter. But for me, even if I don't get caught, my conscience will bug me to no end.
Sometimes I wish I had less morals.
But hey, I think i'm on the way there.
:D
Learnt the choreo last Thursday. Performing it this Wednesday.
I love challenges.
And I love Soul Funky :D And I love you.
I love challenges.
And I love Soul Funky :D And I love you.
Saturday, January 16, 2010
Friday, January 15, 2010
痛.
Ever felt so 心痛 for someone, that each breath you take actually makes your heart hurt?
I don't even feel this way for myself.
I don't even feel this way for myself.
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
Operant Conditioning
Just recalling.
Reinforcement [positive & negative]
- Continuous
- Ratio [fixed & variable]
- Interval [fixed & variable]
Punishment [positive & negative]
Reinforcement [positive & negative]
- Continuous
- Ratio [fixed & variable]
- Interval [fixed & variable]
Punishment [positive & negative]
WTFFFF.
Prof: Your final exam will be close-book.
Class: ??? -pointing at screen which very clearly states open-book-
Prof: It's close-book. -Uses laser pointer to underline the word "open"-
Class: -completely confused by now-
Prof: Means that you'll be very close to your book.
-_______________-
At least AA205 isn't gonna be boring.
Class: ??? -pointing at screen which very clearly states open-book-
Prof: It's close-book. -Uses laser pointer to underline the word "open"-
Class: -completely confused by now-
Prof: Means that you'll be very close to your book.
-_______________-
At least AA205 isn't gonna be boring.
Sunday, January 10, 2010
Timetable
Monday: 1030 - 1230 [only for weeks 1, 2, 5, 7, 9]
Tuesday: 0830 - 1230, 1430 - 1630
Wednesday: 1030 - 1230, 1330 - 1630
Thursday: 1030 - 1430
Friday: 0830 - 1230, 1230 - 1600 [only for weeks 1 to 5]
Tuesday: 0830 - 1230, 1430 - 1630
Wednesday: 1030 - 1230, 1330 - 1630
Thursday: 1030 - 1430
Friday: 0830 - 1230, 1230 - 1600 [only for weeks 1 to 5]
Saturday, January 9, 2010
The first empty 9th.
After more than 5 years of "Happy XX months!"
Yes. They were happy. They were also not-so-happy at times. Doesn't matter. Life has its ups and downs.
You've told me to stop apologizing. I don't know what else I can do or say. I don't know if or how i'm ever going to get over the guilt.
Reminiscing hurts. Usually I cry to deal with the pain. I don't know why i'm not doing so now.
Maybe it's because there's no longer anyone to hug me tight while I cry.
Yes. They were happy. They were also not-so-happy at times. Doesn't matter. Life has its ups and downs.
You've told me to stop apologizing. I don't know what else I can do or say. I don't know if or how i'm ever going to get over the guilt.
Reminiscing hurts. Usually I cry to deal with the pain. I don't know why i'm not doing so now.
Maybe it's because there's no longer anyone to hug me tight while I cry.
Friday, January 8, 2010
& since today's the last weekday of my holiday...
I guess i'll go check edventure once again for all the stuff I need [but probably don't want] to know.
Yeah. I'll do that after I return from the library. Gotta borrow books for storytelling tomorrow. Ah well.
Then i've got Ayden outing in the evening. Yay :) This holiday i've been meeting up with tons of people that I haven't seen for ages. Productive.
Oh yes, elective results are out today.
Just a random, messed up post.
-
Yeah. I'll do that after I return from the library. Gotta borrow books for storytelling tomorrow. Ah well.
Then i've got Ayden outing in the evening. Yay :) This holiday i've been meeting up with tons of people that I haven't seen for ages. Productive.
Oh yes, elective results are out today.
Just a random, messed up post.
-
Ryan's two-part pilot thing is WIN.
Thursday, January 7, 2010
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
Went to Edventure...
Checked out announcements, looked in the readings folder...
...decided not to study again this coming sem.
...decided not to study again this coming sem.
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
Yes, I am incredibly bored.
Random fact: Studies show that if a cat falls off the seventh floor of a building it has about thirty percent less chance of surviving than a cat that falls off the twentieth floor. It supposedly takes about eight floors for the cat to realize what is occurring, relax and correct itself.
Edit [0601101145]: I just realised. How on earth did they discover this?!
Edit [0601101145]: I just realised. How on earth did they discover this?!
Monday, January 4, 2010
Fuck this.
Sure. Tell me to stay away from him.
Then block me out so that I don't have anyone to turn to, but him.
Yeah. That makes perfect sense.
Keep this up. Soon i'll be so used to being the bad guy that I really won't give a fuck about what anyone thinks.
Then block me out so that I don't have anyone to turn to, but him.
Yeah. That makes perfect sense.
Keep this up. Soon i'll be so used to being the bad guy that I really won't give a fuck about what anyone thinks.
Sunday, January 3, 2010
For future reference.
Apologizing doesn't mean that you are wrong and the other person is right.
It just means that you value your relationship more than your ego.
It just means that you value your relationship more than your ego.
Saturday, January 2, 2010
Friday, January 1, 2010
I don't wanna remember 2009.
Dunno. I just don't.
The first 3 months of the year was basically Soul Funky every day. It was fun, but I screwed up my results.
After the semester ended, I went to work at an insurance broking company as a temporary accounts assistant. I had Quil for company for lunch every day.
In the middle of the year I went on two holidays - one to Pulau Redang and another to Taiwan. They were fun.
Then my second year began. Nothing significant happened. It was just school and dance.
During the one-month break I volunteered a lot. Some other stuff happened. Yeah.
I kinda just wanna leave all the negative stuff behind and start anew.
The first 3 months of the year was basically Soul Funky every day. It was fun, but I screwed up my results.
After the semester ended, I went to work at an insurance broking company as a temporary accounts assistant. I had Quil for company for lunch every day.
In the middle of the year I went on two holidays - one to Pulau Redang and another to Taiwan. They were fun.
Then my second year began. Nothing significant happened. It was just school and dance.
During the one-month break I volunteered a lot. Some other stuff happened. Yeah.
I kinda just wanna leave all the negative stuff behind and start anew.
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